Eggshells

Right after my mom died, a therapist told me, "It's like you're Humpty Dumpty.  You fell off the wall, broke into pieces and now you have to put yourself together again."

So why is it that I feel like I've fallen off the wall way too many times and each time I fall off my ass somehow ends up on my head?

I'm totally going to stop eating eggs and be an egg white in the carton kind of girl.

We all knew the breakdown was coming and it happened last night.  And like Frou Frou said, there was beauty in the breakdown and I'm kind of kicking myself for not completely losing it earlier.  The catalyst for it was so stupid, so mundane, so insignificant.  But it unleashed some major emotion; anger, frustration, anger, hurt, anger, doubt, get the picture.  But I let it out.  Totally let it out and though I was screaming in my car, singing along to Jessica Lea Mayfield who I simply think is one and will become one of the most influential songwriters of our time, some tears, I also started to calm down.  Regain focus.  

I show up on Fruity Pebbles doorstep and she welcomed me in, gave me a beer and we sat on the porch.  She listened.  We talked.  Why is is that things always fall apart at the same time?  Freaking out about all of my work, ending my career as a full time teacher, my kids ending their year, transitioning to the summer; my big Mexican head gets that I should be stressed about that.  What I don't get is why other unresolved issues in my life (or I guess I thought they were resolved) have to pop up at the same time.  When talking to her, and she was really the only person in the world that I could talk to; I realized many things.  Most of them good.  That I have grown.  That I know what I want and don't want.  That one right there is huge.  Huge.  I am beyond stressed right now; I have 23 progress reports to write, a 40th bday party for FB tomorrow night (and when I say party, I mean PARTY), Father's Day bbq/stepsister's bday party on Sunday.  Every millisecond of my life will be full.  I know the end is near but this last 10k of my marathon of a year might just might kill me.  I know, I've had so long to write these things and that was the plan for last weekend but I had to go to Alabama for the funeral.  And going to the party is not a stressor; more like stress relief. 

My sister has termed this phrase about "showing up."  Showing up for yourself, showing up for other people.  I used to be really good at both but had some issues this past spring.  I really got while talking to Fruity that I am ready to show up for me and for the very important people in my life.  It also made me realize who in my life doesn't really show up.   She and I are really good at putting our time and energy into people that at about mile 23 of a marathon we realize aren't going to be at the finish line.  I think I said something like, "I am so tired (cue Adele song here) of the energy it sucks out of me.  And for what?"  She and I are also really good about telling each other that if we showed up for ourselves than we could stop this.  Hello??  Yet, as always it is so hard to take your own advice. 

Just what does showing up mean?  Going out of your way to help.  Asking, are you okay?  Proactively assessing that someone may need something.  Flying back early from a vacation to be support for a friend.  Opening your door to someone on a rainy Thursday night.  And the most important; wearing your heart on your sleeve (I'm hearing I Feel it All by Feist in the background right now.) I love that most of the people in my life put themselves out there.  There is no interpreting of what they're thinking, how they are feeling.  They are genuinely honest.  Yesterday one of my friends came in crying but she was like, "I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm just completely overwhelmed right now."  Showing up for yourself?  I'm still working out the kinks on that one but get a feeling that it's making sure that you are okay and that the decisions you make are for the right reason and that those results are positive ones, not ones that end you up on your BFF's porch drinking a beer between laughter and tears.

One of my projects this summer is to get rid of all of the crap that has accumulated in my house over the past 2 years.  A belated Spring cleaning.  I kind of get the feeling that an inventory of my life is needed too.  Really sit down and see what still fits, what things I can't part without and what I need to part with because even though I might love wearing it, afterwards I get blisters and am like, Why the hell did I just wear those?  Looked good but not worth it in the end.

I came home and told Vic I had had a breakdown and had to go see Fruity.  He looked at me like, "OMG, you are turning into her!"

I take that as a compliment.

So, the soundtrack to my life the past week has been Jessica Lea Mayfield.    I have listened to her over and over and over.  As I crawled into bed on Thursday night and Vic put his arms around me and I got that immediate sense of security, I thought a lot about young Jessica's lyrics.  This entire cd is about heartbreak.  It is so raw.  Talk about Jessica showing up for herself and getting this out.  I really hope her next cd is about finding someone who has shown up for her.  And as I finally closed my eyes and surrendered myself to the sound of the rain hitting the roof, I was so happy to do so in the arms of someone who has shown up for me in the most beautiful ways possible.