Beauty in the breakdown

In the past 4 days I think I have said at least 3 times a day, "I can't wait to get my life back."  That's a lie.  I don't want my pre-full time teacher life back.  I also don't want the life that I have right now; how sad is it that my son asked me, "Mom, if you have time in your schedule can you make it to my celebration at school?"  Those are the times that I want to run myself over with my car.  I'm looking for balance and as all of my trainers can tell you, my balance really sucks.

The end is near, I realize that but my life between now and then is non-stop.  And yes, some of them are social obligations, nope, wrong word.  An obligation is something you feel compelled to do, these things I want to do.  Yesterday I left the house at 7:15 and didn't get home until 8:15.  Sunday Aquaman and I went into Boston for some shopping and dinner (his idea; really people, he is freaking me out) and I was reading 3 different books for my lit cirlces on the way in.  I am in the middle of this massive biography project at school and spend my nights with the color copier at Kinkos.  Cooking?  What is that?  I have not been to CP in two weeks.  Let me repeat that.  I have not been to CP in two weeks.  You know it's bad when I can't find the time in my schedule to go and torment Tony.

I actually had trouble breathing today.  Couldn't catch my breath.  This is not me.  I like to be in control.  Me.  I also am realizing just how much I will miss teaching.  Especially spending time with the kids and working with my friends.  This is the month that us teachers get to finally see all of that hard work we did over the year come to life.  You look at your kids and see how much they have grown.  I am so exhausted yet so wired; I hate it.  Sleep is hard to come even when my eyelids are heavy and I drool on my MacBook from nodding off.  And its only June 2.

That's when I made the decision today to just let go.  Yeah, if you're sensing a music connection here, you're a regular blog reader.  Let Go by Frou Frou.  For you people with good movie taste, it was one of the theme songs in Garden State by Zach Braff. In fact I tried to post a video set to it but I am having YouTube issues.  I love Zach Braff.  Like love, love, love him.  He is funny, serious, sensitive, dresses great and of course has the best taste in music.  The best.  Zach?  He's the one that introduced me to Lori McKenna after I saw it on his iTunes playlist.  Okay, not sure how this turned into a Zach Braff love fest but the guy is incredible.

So there's a lyric in the song that says, "There's beauty in the breakdown."  My new mantra until June 23.  Let it go Steph.  Feel everything Steph.  Go with the moment.  You know what? That's my mantra for the rest of my life.  I have learned so many times in the past few years, expect beauty and warmth in the unexpected.  Don't fight the inevitable.  Allow the unknown to permeate through the walls you have created and paint your world a whole new color.  And if all else fails, roar like the picture and scare all year fears and inhibitions away.

Meet The Cereal Killer Girls!