The Cressey Performance Family

After a long day at work, I came home and whipped up some high protein Rice Krispy treats in my attempt to regain the #1 position. I was looking for a high protein, post workout snack that would meet the suggested carb protein ratio (or is it the other way around?) and be appealing to all ages. I even had the nutritional content for these. To top off my Quest for #1 Client, I even taped a big #1 on my CP tee shirt to prove the point. I left the house armed and ready to go.

I walk in and head directly to the office where Pete and Omry were hanging out (Omry is an Olympic hopeful with the required Cressey client sense of humor-Pete told me I had to mention Omry in my blog, so there I did-the two of them are like the Tony Soprano of CP-they are currently accepting bribes for Client of the Week and I have no shame, I'll do whatever it takes to stay on top.) They both eye my tray of treats and ask what it is. I explain. Omry takes one first, (Pete complains that "they're not cut all of the way and you know, Nancy cuts them all of the way.") I get the approval-a little dry, but good. You can taste the vanilla Metabolic Drive but tasty. Omry suggest next time a little water to moisten it up. I totally agree. I then show them my shirt and they totally crack up. Omry says, "Um, you're not #1, I am." I tell him he can be #1 male client and I'll take female. We agree. Pete then says, "Listen to his theory about the CP family-you're going to love this." Omry then explains the parts we all play (I was just thankful I was still on the tree.) Pete is (the mom? Did I get that right?) who makes sure everyone is taken care of. Brian is the little brother who makes fun of you but really wants you to succeed. Tony is the crazy uncle, Eric is the dad who everyone wants his approval but you never quite get 100% (he holds on to the 1% to make you train harder is my theory-and it works) So where am I in the tree you ask? I'm "definitely not the aunt" according to Omry, At first I'm the "older sister" (why am I always the older sister-then I realize, I really am the older sister) but then he shakes his head and says "No, that' not it. You're like the step sister." Step sister? Interesting. I ask if I can be the au pair instead. They agree.

Tony and Cressey come into the office to admire my shirt and my treats. And people, brace yourselves because THE Eric Cressey actually liked my high protein Rice Krispy treats and was impressed with my nutritional description and content of them. I actually saw him eat more than one of them. My glory was soon cut short when I saw my program on my hot pink board. Trap bar deadlifts, pushups, chin ups, chain reverse lunges, hip somethings and reverse and forward sled drags? Plus 2 other things that I have blocked out. Um, I did just run 12 good paced miles yesterday.

There was this guy training (the place was packed) that I had never seen but he knew who I was and asked me how many miles I had run. I told him. He was impressed that I was lifting the next day-thank you big muscle man! The picture of me with the chains up there-I did reverse lunges with those. Awesome! Seriously, I loved them (even though by the last set I was spent.) Then comes the sled. Eric and I go out to the back so he can set me up. Now, I think this is right; there were 6 45 pound weights on there. 6. Eric and Tony's girlfriends had arrived and were warming up back there too. I go forward first-the sled was so heavy. But I keep trying to move fast. Eric's yelling at me "Come on Steph, leg drive, faster, faster." I'm almost to the end but my legs start to slow down. And then he says this "Come on #2, move it." The girlfriends start yelling at me "Come on Steph you're almost there." And another guy who was back there looks and me and says, "You know you can hit him right?"

Eric, Anna and I talk for awhile about the marathon. Somehow Spike comes up. He wants me to try it. I'm looking at my can right now. Supposedly this drink will give me a Speedy Gonzales energy drive. I'm slightly scared to take it. Oh well, I have a long night ahead of me, I might as well.

I walk out with big muscle man who says, "I don't know how you can go in there and lift like that having run the previous day and running again tomorrow. I am impressed." Thanks again big muscle man. I'm actually not running tomorrow. It's another torture session with Marchese and Morgan.

I got some very disturbing news tonight. My friend Jeff emailed me to tell me our team shirts are in for the marathon. They are bright YELLOW. And a singlet. Great, I'm going to look like a freakin' bumblebee. Aquaman tells me, "You'll be like Little Miss Sunshine." Ha, ha, you're so funny.

And I just got a call about the lyrics I posted last night. Once again, the power of music makes things illuminated.

I RAN today. And more lyrics.

First, I have to promote Eric to #2 (he's not getting #1 until he gives me my title back.) Not because he can fire #1, #3 and #4 but because once again, he planted a seed in my head knowing I would rise to the challenge (even if I whined.)

According to my team running schedule, I could run anywhere between 12-16 miles this weekend. Eric said to run 12 but fast. I, Scaredy Cat Steph, said completion was the goal, I wasn't concerned about speed and time. I am so scared of getting injured that it's becoming an issue. After the 90 minutes of torture with Dr. Tim on Thursday and hearing "possible detachment" and "tendon has broken down," a girl can get a complex. I told Brian yesterday that I don't give my 100% when training with them because I know that I need fresh legs to run and I'm so scared of doing something to my foot. Same with my long runs; they've been averaging 9:20-9:30. I'm scared to push myself. I want to run this race as healthy as I can. I need to run this race for so many reasons.

The past 10 days, I've made some changes to my nutrition, basically cutting out the night snacking, limiting the carbs, upping the protein and eliminating MOST of the sugar. The sugar is the biggie. I went running at noon today and for breakfast had a piece of high fiber multigrain toast with Omega 3 peanut butter and half a banana. Right before I went running I had some Cliff Shots. My hope here was for the Gu, Cliffshots, Performance gel to have more of an effect. I figured that if I limited the sugar during the week then the gels would give me that extra boost. Today was an example of why I love to run. There must have been something in the air because my legs felt so strong. My iPod was playing the best songs. And I kept pushing myself. Here are my splits:
Mile 1: 9:02, mile 2: 8:55, mile 3: 8:45, mile 4: 8:48, mile 5 and 6: 8:38, mile 7: 8:50, mile 8: 8:46, mile 9: 8:55, mile 10: 9:05, mile 11 and 13: 8:54.
I don't know if the whole sugar theory worked but I completely felt the surge of energy the Gu gave me after taking it at mile 5. I so needed a run like that. I made a deal with myself that if I averaged less than a 9:00 minute mile then I would get my ears triple pierced today (and I threw a margarita in there.) Aquaman had arranged for his parents to watch the kids so we headed to Cambridge where Erin, a nursing student with tattoos all over her, works. She's done all my piercing. Erin also ran Boston the past two years so it was fun to talk to her while getting pierced. And off to The Border Cafe for my margarita. I was in serious Steph form tonight. The rest of this blog was supposed to be about my infatuation with Jane Austen (just finished watching Sense and Sensibility on PBS, am listening to the Pride and Prejudice soundtrack)and my incredibly wrenching re-telling of Becoming Jane to Aquaman during dinner (I was complimented on it in the women's room it was that good.) I'll discuss my Jane infatuation another time because during dinner I got a very strange text that was just followed up by a phone call explaining it all. And thank you for CALLING (ever since I wrote about everyone texting, it seems that everyone has been texting me more-I love hearing from people but sometimes a voice is nice to hear-or as in Lilli's case after numerous texts the other day-singing some truly classic cheezy songs on my voicemail.) The first time I heard this song by The Helio Sequence I immediately knew that I would someday write these lyrics as a warm reminder of the long journey she has taken in her little black sandals. I think it also in ways is part 2 of Little Black Sandals by Sia:

"Sometimes I'm tempted, sometimes I am, I would be lying if I said I didn't miss that giant man, He was the fine line between pleasure and pain, but me and my feet have some years to reclaim."

So this ones for you girlfriend.

Lately, by The Helio Sequence

Lately I don't think of you at all, or wonder what you're up to, Or how you're getting on, I never think of calling you, Or how things could have been, Or wonder where you sleep at night, Or whose arms you wake in, I'm living alone, living alone, I don't need you anymore, I'm living alone, living alone I don't need you anymore, Lately, I don't get lost in daydreams, I never lay awake at night, Staring in my bed, And I don't think about your face, Or anything you've said, And I don't think twice when someone says your name, or twist my mind in circles wondering which of us to blame, I'm living alone, living alone, I don't need you anymore, I'm living alone, living alone, I don't need you anymore, I never walk alone and think of all the empty words or wonder when the day will break, or when the tides will turn, and I don't break down, when someone says your name, or twist my mind in circles, wondering which of us to blame, I'm living alone, living alone, I don't need you anymore, Living alone, living alone, I don't need you anymore, Lately I don't think of you at all, Lately, oh lately.

Oh, my music is at the point when Mr. Darcy is walking in the meadow at dawn and he sees Lizzie. Just wait until I finally write my Jane Austen infatuation entry; it will prove that I sarcastic, sometimes detached, puts distance around her Steph, is truly a helpless romantic at heart. The song playing is called "Your Hands Are Cold." Ahhh, he sees her, they walk to one another, the sun is slowly coming up, his eyes are filled will love and adoration for her. OMG, I think I'm going to pass out. Aquaman is one viewing away from sending me to Jane Austen detox.

The Plot To Reclaim My Title As #1 Client At Cressey Performance

How quickly one can fall from grace.

Just last year at this time I was EC's client that landed him on the cover of The Boston Globe (with the infamous hard nipple picture, his not mine.) I was the one who met him a day after his unexpected leave from his old place of employment to assess the new space he was considering to open the now insanely successful Cressey Performance. I was the one who arranged the congratulatory dinner with help from his terrific girlfriend. I'm the one whose picture is on his mom's refrigerator (when she told me that, I smiled the biggest smile, he wanted to crawl in a corner and put an Apex mat over his head.) I was #1 client (not including his girlfriend of course-she is awesome and brings a much needed ray of sunshine and dose of reality -"You will not die if you eat a piece of pizza.") Not because of my athletic abilities but because I was Steph and as I always tell him, "How many funny Mexican midgets do you train?" Cressey thinks after the marathon, we should start looking into midget wrestling for me. I always tell him he's like the really white little brother I never had (because my real little brother is only kind of white).

I'm not sure when the rift started to occur (the theme song from Love Story is playing right here.) Honestly, I trained more with Tony during this round of marathon training. And then Brian came into the picture. I trained a lot at the satellite extension of CP. I think there was a span of time that I didn't see him for 6 weeks. That was fine; I LOVE Tony and Brian and I immediately went to that point in a client/trainer relationship where we make fun of each other. Little did I know that plans to end my reign as #1 were being designed by a protein bar, dessert making woman.

I inspired the training women newsletter that talked a lot about the "menstrual cycle," Read between the lines people; it was a thinly disguised piece about when your client is PMSing and behavior resembles Glenn Close a la Fatal Attraction. Then much to my horror, I get a newsletter last week from him giving the baker woman, "The #1 Client at CP." There was some line there about "You're not supposed to have favorites..." Yes, you are and it's supposed to be me.

When I trained last week I noticed him staring at me in a very intense way. I'm thinking, "He's scared I'm going to start crying and throw around med balls breaking windows because I'm upset about my demotion." Oh, no. He was trying to figure out my shirt. It had spaghetti straps plus an around the neck one (very fashionable, North Face) plus I had my sports bra on. He couldn't figure it out. I had to slowly explain each part. His response, "I'm so confused." I reply, "That's my job Eric, I'm here to confuse you." We both start laughing. So I'm thinking, maybe this will help me regain my position. Wrong.

Cressey is away this weekend. I walk into the gym today and Brian yells, "Oh look who's here and with her sunglasses on." I knew right away the next hour would be full of heartfelt insults. I talk to Pete for awhile. We discuss my expulsion from Eden. I need a strategy. Pete suggests that I demote Eric as #1 trainer-brilliant, why didn't I think of that? Two can play this game, and I love playing games. He suggest I nominate Brian as #1. But that would mean knocking Tony down and truthfully he and Cressey share the #1 spot. I decide Tony is #1, Brian is #2, Pete is #3 (he's not even a trainer) knocking Cressey down to #4. The session is flying by; Tony and Brian take turns spotting me and holding the resistance band while I do my one legged work. Then Tony says, "Oh yes, Baker Woman is coming in at 1:00" knowing she ALWAYS brings a snack for them. Then he looks at me and says, "Oh I mean the new #1 client is coming in." Ha, ha. Then it starts. " I wonder what the new #1 client is bringing in" etc. Brian and I go to the back to do my sled runs and after i return, lo and behold there is a container full of protein peanut butter cookies and protein pumpkin bars. She had arrived. Brian and Pete are already scarfing them down. I decide to try one. OMH, were they awesome! As I'm eating one, half of it falls apart and lands in the trash. Eyes of hate are directed at me, "I can't believe #2 threw away #1's pumpkin bar! What a waste." Oh, get over your whey protein, it was an accident. I leave (and apparently forgot to say goodbye) and as I'm leaving, "Thanks a lot Steph for saying goodbye, what you were just going to leave?" I reply, "Until I regain #1, watch out. I'm going to be mean."

I know know what has to be done to regain my position as #1. I have it all planned out. Believe it or not, I'm very competitive. I'm always up for a new challenge. All I can say is, that picture of Julia Child is up there for a reason and watch out when I come in to train on Monday Cressey. And nice baker woman, get ready to get off my #1 throne. And I would love that recipe for the pumpkin bars-I wonder if I could make them into a cupcake??

Runner #23847

That's me next to the marathon countdown in my classroom holding my M&M cards. That's me Runner #23847. Yes, I got my number today. Yes, this thing is getting closer. Yes, I was asked by parents in my classroom to send them requests of where I would like my cheering squads. Yes, I still have to raise $1,300 dollars. Yes, I started to freak out.

After last night's texting escapade (I forgot my phone at work so if anyone is trying to text or call, I don't have my phone!) I was exhausted. And tormented. I got a message last night from my podiatrist's office and heard the word orthotic. I freaked out. Cressey and Marchese are not fans of the orthotic-and that's putting it lightly. I immediately wrote Eric to get his input; this entire experience has been so frustrating because people keep telling me different things. He of course wrote back immediately -that got him off the probation list he was on with Aquaman-remember I mentioned the newsletter I partially inspired? It was actually very informative but talked about how the menstrual cyclce can affect training (flashbacks of my hormonal tantrum). I got his latest newsletter in which some peanut butter, protein powder, baker named Nancy is the new #1 client at CP because she brings in a new snack every time she trains. (Okay, I'll admit, Brian, Pete and I did feast on these pumpkin protein bar things and the woman can cook.) What's really funny is that on Friday Eric threw in a copy of John Berardi's Precision Nutrition cookbook in my bag for me to look through and made a point to show me the snacks. I was open to it-little did I know what he really wanted was for me to cook for him and the Cressey Entourage! So I, moody, menstrual Steph inspire a newsletter about women on the rag and Nancy throws together a protein bar and gets #1 client? I bet Nancy doesn't get callouses like mine up above (thanks to Tony who made me do these Farmer things where basically I had to walk back and forth carrying bars with weights-it LOOKED easy but kicked my butt in an awesome way) mixing with her Cuisinart! He could tell I was on the verge of yet another nervous breakdown so did what he had to do; the equivalent of a cyberspace slap in the face. Within minutes I got quotes, excerpts, heart wrenching testimonials from leading coaches about the negative aspects of using orthotics. I also get a 100% Cressey "I'm going to tell it to you like it is" (but come on E, "can't bake a snack to save her life older sister?". He made me promise that he would get total control (and it was in capitals) of my training for 2 months after the marathon. I agreed. Like I had a choice.

I actually had one of my best sessions tonight. I think Tony thought so too. E and I talked taping and mileage for this weekend. He wants me to video when I tell Marchese tomorrow that Cullen ripped off his kinesio taping. You know I totally am!

Captain Cupcake's Dry Run

Finally, I got it right!

So of course Ms. No Self Control couldn't wait for the cupcake cards to come in so had to do a few test runs today. And a big thanks to Lil for the name, Captain Cupcake. She thinks I should have done a stranger first but I couldn't; my first few times need to be with someone I know. Oh, that sounds really bad doesn't it?

First victim was Aquaman, He complains all the time about how he doesn't have Sirius radio in his car anymore and needs music. By the way, I'm listening to Elliot Smith right now; I'm in the middle of creating a playlist for my friends who can't sleep (I have so many) and he is totally going on it He usually has a smirky comment about a lot of my music. The other day in the car my iPod was on shuffle and playing artists he hates. I was secretly smiling inside. First up was Keane ("My man boobs are growing.") Somewhere We Only Know is a classic love song-in fact Marchese and Dr. Tim were playing it the other day. Next up; Third Eye Blind. What he said about them is not printable but hello, have you ever really listened to Motorcycle Drive By? "I've never been so alone and I've never been so alive." Do you know how many times I have belted those words out while running? So you can imagine why I've never made him a playlist. I take great care when creating them. They need to be just right. So I decided to give him two cd's; one is The Best of the Smiths because Hello, who doesn't like The Smiths? The other is The Best of the Pixies. The Pixies are one of the few bands we can agree on. In fact "La, La, La, I love you" is the song on my wedding video. My mother was an open woman to allow, "Kick your butt, not too hard" on my wedding video Says a lot about her!

So I give him the discs and he looks at them and asks, "Don't you have any Clash?"

On to my next victim.

It made sense to start with the person who was partially responsible for this (in fact now listening to a cd he made for me and I copied for Lil and Alicia Key's and Adam Levine's cover of Wild Horses is so good it hurts to listen to it.) I decided to bring him dinner since I knew his crazy schedule kept him extremely busy. I emailed and said I would be delivering it but gave him the option of not accepting it (I don't want people to be weirded out by all of this.) I had the most excellent meal and time with my friends. Do you know how grateful I am to work with such amazing people who are so dedicated to their craft? We all had an incredibly long day with the MCAS and we so needed this night. I was slightly skeptical of French Cambodian food but it was unbelievable. And the drinks! Splendid. I had so much fun dropping it off. He was incredibly gracious and thankful (I got him beef and if he had said, "Don't you have chicken?" I would have run him over in my big SUV. ) I've thought of some for Lil, Nutgirl, my friend Katy and Parton. And of course Cougar and my kids. Aquaman is on probation until he can sing me "This Charming Man" word for word.

I told Aquaman about Operation Cupcake and his only question was, "You write poetry?"

If your wife makes you a cd
Shout with glee
Even if you don't like it
Smile and pretend you do
For those accept with a smile
I will go the extra mile

Man, I am the next Ann Sexton.

Okay, totally need to work on the poetry. Why do I rhyme? The first thing I teach my kids is "no rhyming."
Remember, anybody can be cupcaked!! I'm thinking I might need a costume once this thing gets off the ground.

Okay, just got 7 texts in a row......whatever happened to calling people? Do you know how long it takes me to text? Can I take a class? Maybe a texting poetry class?

Captain

YOU'VE BEEN CUPCAKED!

Everything happens for a reason. As of this morning I still wasn't sure if I could pull of my kindness idea and then something happened. I give a teaching assistant at my school a ride to work every morning. We meet at Starbucks and drive in together. She has a disability that prevents her from driving long distances and has told me multiple times that if it wasn't for me, she wouldn't be able to work. She has offered multiple times to help pay for gas, free babysitting etc but I always refuse. I do nothing; we all know that my daily trip to Starbucks is part of breathing for me (and by the way, the barrista team at the Cochituate store is the best-I love them all!) So this morning she gives me something totally out of the blue. She was at a stationary store and found two sets of M&M stationary for me, one that has a green m&m (the "aphrodisiac" m&m -my friend Damon told me that they sell entire bags of them and I didn't believe him and I walk into Target and lo and behold, entire bags of green M&Ms-I bought like 15 bags-just kidding Cressey, because as Drew pointed out, "They're not on your marathon diet.") She said, "I totally thought of you when I saw them and thought you'd like them." I almost started crying I was so touched. And that's when I knew that my idea had to happen. It was no coincidence that someone performed an act of kindness for me out of the blue for me as I was contemplating my Operation Act of Kindness.

How was this idea born? A combination of things. I love it when friends do the unexpected for me. I'll come home to find a cd that someone made for me on my door. A funny email or text. A thoughtful gift that totally embraces who I am and my interests. Or when a stranger compliments me. That takes a lot of guts to compliment a complete stranger. On the weekends I do my coffee run in my pajamas and glasses with total bedhed hair. A few weekends ago I was in line in my fuzzy pajamas that look like a loaf of Wonder Bread with my glasses on. This guy behind me says, "Those glasses look stunning on you and where did you get those pajamas, I love them!" We then get into a conversation about Prada glasses (he owns some too) and why more people should go out in their pj's. He totally made my day. Lil works part time at Barnes and Nobles and always makes an effort to talk to the customers. When we were out some guy comes up and hugs her and they talk and I'm giving her the, "Who is that look" and when he leaves she tells me "He's from work." So I assume it' a fellow employee; no it's a customer she had gotten to know. Well, she must have struck a chord because "Lev" (I love that name) buys her a round. Just because; no hidden intentions. But this idea of the power of small gestures, acts of kindness really started to formulate after talking with a friend. He was telling me how he had gone to an establishment and struck up a conversation with someone (notice how my circle of friends is full of people who love talking to complete strangers?) and when he went back another time this same person was there and said, "I'm so excited to see you." He then told me "That's the nicest thing anybody has said to me in 5 years." As I sat there and listened, part of me was so sad about that comment and the other part of me wanted to do something nice for him right then and there. For some reason I thought of the compliment rings I do with my kids in class. To celebrate birthdays in my class, we make a compliment ring. Everyone goes around and gives a genuine compliment about the birthday person. "I really like the way you always support your friends, I really like the way you put your heart into your drawings, I really like the energy you have; you always make me feel better." I wanted to tell him "I really like the way you make me laugh or I really like the way you jump around when you're telling a story-you bring it to life." So it got me really thinking, why as adults do we not give compliments, perform small gestures, acts of kindness? Are we scared to put ourselves out there? Are we scared of rejection? Misinterpretation? Weird looks? Hidden Agendas? Do we not have enough time? Can't a person just do something nice because?

As the day progressed, my vision became more vivid and then I actually had a vision. A cupcake, but not a noun, a verb (there I go with the parts of speech again; don't blame me the MCAS start tomorrow.) I would perform acts of kindness for friends and family and leave a cupcake notecard that said, "You've been cupcaked!" I loved it! Some I would mail, some if I can pull it off I'll do in person. Then I thought, how cool would it be to warn the person by text or email, "Lookout, you will be cupcaked today!" I love the element of mystery (and fear of some crazy lady driving around in her X5 with cupcake cards and gifts) it added to it. So tonight I had dinner with my friends Nutgirl (did you know there is a website called nutsonline-you can only imagine what I came up with for that one) and Parton (we share a fondness for truly trashy Dolly movies) who happen to sell Stampin Up products. I told them my idea and two hours later we had my cupcake cards made and ready to order (the pineapple mojitos helped the creative process too.) I have so many ideas; funny cards with poems, books, custom made cd's, magazines, candy, cups of coffee if someone is working late. They don't have to be big; just meaningful and thoughtful. Because those are my favorites. The cd Lil made for me with the most beautiful song named Amelia on it, the Johnny Cupcake shirt Aquaman got for me because he just happened to be on Newbury Street (of course, he's still making up for the no Christmas gift snafu) or the one Guinness made for me with Beauty of Speed on it by Tori Amos because one night we spent hours depicting the meaning of those lyrics, or the book Cressey got me for Christmas with a piece of duct tape on it because I'm always joking around how I need some for my mouth, or the picture Amelia made for me of her and I, the homemade scarf in Cookie Monster blue one of my students made for me because the color reminded her of my "cheery" personality, the teeshirt I got after running the marathon the was symbolic of a favorite childhood memory of my mom. The list goes on.

The good news is that I have countless ideas. The bad news is that my cupcake cards won't be in until next week. I don't know if I can wait that long. Perhaps I'll try a few dry runs first. The big question is, who will be first? Who will be first to be CUPCAKED!

Time to go watch The Hills, and then read my MCAS test administrator book. I'm so excited; tomorrow night I'm going with my school friend's to Elephant Walk in Waltham to celebrate the end of the Long Composition! Ahh, it's starting!

Happy Easter

I thought a lot about my mom today. If she were still alive, she would have called the kids in the wee morning hours to ask them what the Easter Bunny had brought them (he was quite generous this year because he heard Mom had guilt for spending so much time training for the marathon) and would tell them that much to her surprise, he left them baskets at her house too! She would have been here to hear Drew's first prayer at the dinner table. Out of the blue he asked my dad if he could say the prayer. My brother and I looked at each other in fear; what would he say? He gave the most beautiful short prayer thanking God for his family, dinner and time to be together. Somewhere in heaven, my mom was telling someone proudly, "That's my grandson."

Of course it was her prayer giving grandson who was planning an attack on Dora the Explorer at brunch this morning. That's us with a very sad looking Spongebob. Dora looked like she was a heroine addict with a droopy face and Mickey Mouse hands. Aquaman and I are thinking that the kids are getting a little old for the character Easter brunch. As we were standing in line to get into the Easeter egg hunt, Dora was guarding the door. Drew told Amelia, "You run up to her, I'll then take Dora out and then you dash inside and get the loot!"


While reflecting about my mom and Easter today, I came up with an idea that about the power of an act of kindness and how it's the little things that count. I keep coming back to my mom's kindness and her ability to appreciate everyone for who they were and not judge. How the she could make anyone feel appreciated by the smallest gesture. I was on the receiving end countless times and it always made me feel like sunshine; warm and bright and inviting. If I can pull off what I'm hoping to pull off, well, it'll make me all warm and fuzzy inside. More on it tomorrow (and by the way you Hills fans, ten new episodes tomorrow night!-it amazes me how I can be so introspective and shallow at the same time. Who cares, Heidi sucks and Brody you better not break Lauren's heart!)

The women running the marathon with me

On this Easter Eve, I sit here with my Diet Coke and Icy Hot tape taped to my butt, hamstring and foot watching my Jewish husband try to fill plastic eggs for the kid's Easter baskets for tomorrow morning. I have that sexy smell of menthol going on right now. It's a special moment. The first picture is of the kids and I coloring our Hello Kitty and Star Wars Easter eggs-as always, this picture is truly representative of the fun we had. We're going to watch the latest Matt Damon Jason Bourne movie on dvd tonight; this series is one of the few movies we can agree on.

So I've gotten emails and calls (Lilli who is in Oklahoma visiting family tracked me down in the shoe department of Nordstroms and then didn't answer when I said "Hello" because she was too busy singing to her ringback tone which is Sia's Little Black Sandals and then she starts singing to Crush by Jennifer Paige because it's playing in the supermarket she was in and we both thought that was so weird because we both LOVE that song.) The question was the same; how's the foot?

Cullen knew what he was doing. I ran 16.54 and had very minimal ankle issues. It felt tight during the first 2 miles but then I was fine. The taping did cause a blister which killed and my left toe was having major issues bending (Eric has a plan for that) but all in all it was a good run. Do I still feel scared that I only trained up to 18 miles? Yeah. Am I going to let this overtake my life. I don't think so. I did the best I could and now the taper begins. I've already talked to Team Steph and after the marathon, I'm going to take a break from the long distances and start training with them 3x a week and work on my 5k which means a lot of time at the track this summer. I love working out on the track during the summer. The kids like to go with me too and run around. My favorite time at the track is during gloaming.

This year's experience was so different than last years. This year I NEEDED 18 weeks of long runs by myself to allow me the thinking space I needed. Last year I had two fantastic women I ran with every weekend and 23 miles out of the marathon with. I would have been lost without them. We gave each other support, encouragement and laughter. Needless to say I really relied on my iPod. Music is a catharsis for me. At the beginning of my training I would rely on shuffle songs then I started making playlists. This morning when I went to Starbucks they were playing James Brown and I was groovin. So I rushed home and downloaded 30 great r&b soul, motown, eighties (Aquaman was dismayed that I downloaded Sheila E-"She was a one hit wonder whose gimmick was her little drumset-even though he dissed Sheila, it made me laugh.) I also finally found what will be my anthem for the big day after trying countless songs out. Up until today it was going to be Lenny Kravitz's Bring it On, but this new song that I found is totally, completely and 100% me. I will unveil it soon because I know you're all going to lose sleep over this one.

So the first 2 hours of the run was all of my new stuff. I had a totally new route-ran through Wayland, Natick, Weston and Wellesley. I actually ran a little bit of the marathon route too; it got me revved up for the big day. It was beautiful today; a perfect day for running. I sang out loud to a lot of the songs. But the last few miles I hit a total mental block. I had run out of fluid, was hot, my blister was hurting and I kept thinking, "I'm going to have to add TEN more miles to this on race day." Once I allow my thought process to be infiltrated by doubt, I'm a train wreck. I start thinking negative thoughts. I actually thought about walking (I never walk) or stopping and calling home to have Aquaman come pick me up. I needed a serious kick in the butt. And that's when my posse, the women who will be running the marathon with me, came to my rescue.

By this time my iPod was on shuffle and it is no coincidence that these songs came on back to back. I will shout the lyrics to these songs in the car. Today I was belting them out (and got lots of looks and once round of applause) from passing people, I really don't care. I needed this.

First up was Kelly Clarkson whom I think is underrated and not taken seriously enough. The girl can sing. Maybe came on. I shouted this out with Kelly of course. "I don't want to be tough, and I don't want to be proud. I don't need to be fixed and I certainly don't need to be found (my favorite line). I'm not lost, I need to be loved, I just need to be loved." Jolt of energy. Picked up the pace.

Next was Terra Naomi. Who? Google her my friends. She is the next Alanis Morrissette. "I'm Happy" came on in which ironically she doesn't sound happy but rather in a pissah mood. I've got to find out the story behind that song. " And if you're wanting to vent your fustration, what about when I look at you, I don't see what I used to see, If I want a better life I'm sorry, Forgive me, You're angry, You should be, I'm happy." Ouch Terra. Now I had my angry feet on (for all you Toy Story fans out there, that's like when Mr. Potato Head put on his angry eyes.)

Next, who knew I had a sappy county girl in me but she's there with her ten gallon hat and leather chaps, LeAnn Rimes. "How do I live without you, I want to know, How do I breathe without you, If you ever go...." There's something about that song that just makes me melt. I knew all the words so those 4 minutes flew by and I was almost home.

And who else but Ms. Latina Furtado herself came on with Promiscious Girl. I love that picture of Nelly because that's how I felt when I got to the top of my hill and at the end of my driveway. That whole song is bloody brilliant (Drew's been watching a lot of Harry Potter lately, sorry.) Roses are read, some diamonds are blue, Chivalry is dead, but you're still kinda cute." I love a girl who can rap.

And it was over with. Done. Finito. Went inside, emailed Eric with the results, stretched, had my PWO drink, showered and took Amelia shoe shopping. She really is a mini me, it's scary. Many commented on our hair, "you two have the best hair." Trust me when I say this, it's near impossible to find shoes that are flat and not butt ugly (man, butt is such a theme with me lately.) Amelia and I both hit gold at The Geox Store. I'm not really sure how a shoe can breathe, but man are they comfortable and stylish.

I will sleep well tonight. I'm actually training with Tony before brunch tomorrow. The exchange of texts setting that one up was classic and involved midget wrestling. My sister sent me a very funny Easter chick text that I forwarded to tons of people. Even Aquaman laughed at it and that's saying a lot because Easter is not his holiday!

New tape, new plan and reproductive conversations over satay

Just who are those people in the first picture? That's my sister Jess in the back with her friend Chris and my cousin Sarah and her boyfriend Daniel on their way to The Incubus concert. Why am I sharing this? Because look at how happy my sister is. When she sent me this today, it put a big smile on my face to see her so full of life. And it also gives me an opportunity to talk about yet another favorite band-Incubus. Dig-one of my favorite songs-"We all have weakness, But some of our are easy to identify, Look me in the eye, And ask for forgiveness, We'll make a pact to never speak that word again, Yes you are my friend." I listened to that song over and over right before I got my tattoo in July. A little Steph trivia there.

The damn foot. Went to see Cullen. Not only does he work with the Celtics but many Olympic athletes and is one of the few podiatrist hired by the BAA for consultation and he will be treating the US Women Marathon contenders at the Olympic trials the day before the marathon. He knows his stuff (in fact told me to stop going to my ortho becasue, "What the hell does he know about the mechanics of a foot; you stick with me." I love people who take control! He immediately rips off the Kinesio tape Marchese had put on. "Steph, you're a pronator and the tape is going to cause the opposite effect of what we want." He checks my foot out and agrees there's something going on in there but doesn't think it's a bone issue. Decided to re-tape my foot in a low-dye strapping/planter rest-strap and to run with it tomorrow. Thanks to Diane Arbus Junior for taking the pictures of my newly taped foot. Like the bright blue nail polish? It reminded me of Wonder Woman blue so I went with it. Some uptight woman at the salon was like, "Who would ever pick this color?" She was getting some horrendously boring and conformist mauve (I hate that word, mauve, it's so drab). My little girlfriend pipes up (because like her mother, talks to everyone) "My mom is getting that color because she's running the marathon and she is like Wonder Woman? Do you run marathons lady?" I love that girl. If it doesn't improve then it's time for another MRI and bone scan. If it helps, deal with it, get through the marathon and then do a full work up. He said I might need to tape it before every time I run. That means going to his office three times a week. I asked Eric if he could tape and he said, "I could tape you Steph but I don't think it's what you hand in mind." Now that was funny!. I think Tony who was standing nearby was thinking, "Tape the mouth, tape the mouth." I did offer to bring a roll of duct tape to future training sessions to assist with my motormouth.

So the taper question kind of resolved itself. I honestly asked EVERYBODY and the feedback I got on running 21 miles tomorrow ranged from stupid, dumb, mental and my personal favorite, don't do it mom you might die. Cullen, Cressey, and Marchese had all said, "See how it feels" and no one thought anything over 18. So the plan is to do 12-15 and if it starts to hurt, stop. Parting words today from Eric, "Listen to your body. Don't push it." For once, I have got to do that. I tend to get carried away if I'm feeling good. Self control. Self control. And to top off the modified training program, I can't wear heels. I know, they're so bad for you but when you're 5 2 they help. And I have these KILLER pair of Ellie Tahari boots that I've only worn 3x (of course I did wear them after my first 18 miler and in the snow-maybe that was the beginning of my downfall?) that I have been dying to wear again. Hey, at least I have an excuse to go shoe shopping now.

I have to share the following because it truly touched me and made me realize how fast my two are growing. And that they inherited their killer sense of humor from their mom. We went out for Thai food and somehow got on the topic of babies. Drew is not fond of them at all. We reminded him that when his sister was a baby, he played with her.
Steph: I remember the first time you met your sister. You loved her because she brought you a present.
Drew: What did she buy me?
Steph: A ukalele. You loved it.
Drew: She couldn't have bought me that. She was a baby. I can't believe I was such an idiot to have fallen for that! What kind of mother are you lying to your children? How did she come out? Did they cut you open?

Now, I am not one of those parents who lie to their kids about touchy subjects or give body parts fake names like "twinkle dinkle and flowercup" (I know people who actually told their kids that.) The story continues.

Steph: No. I pushed her out. (Drew now thinking.)
Drew: Was it hard to do?
Steph: It was really hard. A lot of hard work.
Amelia: Actually, I did all of the work.
Steph: You did not girlfriend! (Drew still thinking.)
Amelia: Mom, did I like pee in you?
Steph nods. Amelia cracks up.
Amelia: So what did I do in you?
Drew: Oh, I can't believe you asked that.
Steph: You ate, sleep and kicked me a lot.
Drew: Oh my gosh! You mean you pushed her out of your.....
Aquaman: Check please!

I finally bought Pride and Prejudice so plan on watching it AGAIN and correct papers tonight. I better get some sleep. Tomorrow is a crucial day.

Hope everyone had a Good Friday! (a little religious humor in my attempts to find my spirituality.)

Kinesio taping, the guy with the afro from Journey and Vitamin D......just a fraction of my day.

I stopped feeling sorry for myself because self pity is for LOSERS and turned that pathetic woe is me into ANGER!. On the way to work I listened to all of my favorite "angry woman" songs; Vow by Garbage, Are You Happy Now by Michelle Branch, I Should Have Known by Aimee Mann, Taking Over Me by Evanescence, Out There by Kelis, Enough Cryin by Mary J Blige and Never Again by Kelly Clarkson. And I sang those words of power and authority out loud and it felt good. I realize all of those songs are directed to men who were not man enough to handle these extraordinary women but I substituted my foot for the jerk and voila, a cleansing of the soul. (But I will admit before I had this revelation, I created what has to be one of the most depressing, let your tears pour into the whiskey bottle playlist that I plan on sending out to various friends because you know the saying, misery loves company.)

I told Marchese the whole sad story (I told him to get his tissues out.) He worked on my foot for an hour. At the beginning I couldn't move it to the left and I could not bend my big toe. He went to work on it like a madman, Quote, "There's a reason I don't do this to many people; my fingers go nub." You can only imagine how I felt. Quote; "I'm going to work on it and tell me when it stops hurting."-he's digging into the bottom of my foot. 2 minutes later, "It still hurts." Marchese-oh, it's going to hurt for at least ten minutes." 2 minutes later. "I will not cry, I will not cry. " Marchese-"Failure is not an option." I love seeing him because he has the best sense of humor and like me likes to discover new restaurants. His new partner, Dr. Tiim who has the honor of working on me next week, is the same way. I usually leave with stomach cramps from laughing so hard because you know me, I'm so shy, I say nothing to egg them on. So Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" comes on and I comment on how I hate it when groups try to replace a new singer that is irreplacable like Steve Perry. He goes, "Steve Perry was not that band." So I say, "Oh yeah, name another member of Journey" and he does! How the heck did I know that he had an encounter with Neil has an afro Journey member outside some bar? So I try my theory out again, "Natalie Merchant and 10,000 Maniacs" and who chimes in but Dr. Tim who has a great live NM story that included Michael Stipe.

Marchese is thinking a little bit different than Cressey when it comes to the next 4 1/2 weeks (not what I needed) and decides he's going to "kinesio tape" me. I get really excited because my friend Sarah had this done so I know all about it. He pulls out his tape and adhesive spray and sprays me down, says,"I love that smell of gym" sprays some more then "needs one more thing" for the full effect and gets out his jar of balm and takes a big whiff. I am dying so I add,"That's so manly and with Journey playing in the background" and he starts laughing. Earlier, he had aksed, "Steph, did you know it was little short sleeve shirt big arms day-check out Tim. He decided to wear his big arms today." So I add after the Journey comment, "Don't worry your manliness meter went up with Tim's big arms and little shirt" which pretty much got everyone laughing. Marchese said I could make martial arts sounds when I say "I have kinesio taping" since it's from Korea, I have to wear it for 2 days (even if I decided to run on Saturday) to help "that foot from crashing down." I must admit, it feels so much better.

I sort of inspired Cressey's latest newsletter (will comment on that another time-it's awesome). When I emailed to tell him how much I liked it, he asked me, "Just curious but when is the last time you had your blookdwork done and they checked for Vitamin D levels?" Immediately I was intrigued. I had a ton of bloodwork during my little PWT scare back in January but have no idea if they looked for Vitamin D. He sent me an article he had just written about how Vitamin D COULD perhaps affect performance and health, and because I have dark skin, I'm at greater risk for Vitamin D deficiency. Guess who's having blood drawn tomorrow. And once again, this is why I train with Eric and the team at CP. They love what they do and don't see their job as only in the gym. They investigate the chemistry, anatomy, nutrition-everything. They are constantly reading (hey Brian is even making Pete who runs the office, read some nutrition literature-Pete and I were cracking up because we both have a thing for cupcakes) and continuing their education. Seriously, if you are working with a trainer who never reads and doesn't want to put in the hard work and effort, than get a new one . And make sure they know how to deal with your PMS. The most important feature a female client looks for.

Already preparing for my next race

A hard day. I was in a foul mood; no one was safe from my path of destruction. The whole ankle/long run/taper issue has taken over my life. And Eric Cressey has proved once again that he is the most mature, thoughtful, intelligent and kick a** strength coach. And he's only 26 (he and Amelia have the same birthday-I told him it was a sign that the two people who have pushed my body to the limits should share the same birthday.) He knows how to deal with me, tolerates my weird running mind while still explaining to me all the reasons why I'm 99.9% sure I'm going to go with his "Get Steph to the Starting Line" plan. Can you tell who had an encounter with Raging Hormonal Steph? But I did apologize immediately. If I'm wrong, I totally live up to it. I can't stand people who don't own up to their mistakes. And he replied as he always does, "No worries."

Cougar and I always say we're going to apply to The Amazing Race. People who know us well seem to think we would fight and get eliminated. I'd like to give us a little more credit than that. Today Lilli sent me a link to The Great Urban Race. It's like an Amazing Race in a day. You get clues, have to do challenges and of course there is a big party at the end. And a little running. She asked, "Do you want to be a team?" Did she even have to ask? Of course!

Tomorrow I see Marchese. Friday morning I see my podiatrist who also happens to be the podiatrist for The Celtics. Then I meet with Eric. Then depending on what my podiatrist finds, I have an appt with my ortho. I hope to have decided on a plan by the end of the day. I am being totally aggressive and overly cautious in my approach but feel I need to be. 33 more days. I just have to make t 33 more days.

Lilli Legislation

Okay, there are only 10 minutes left of the 100th episode of One Tree Hill and I'm so worked up over it that Aquaman told me to take a valium. I've to to get rid of this excessive energy! I sent him away for the rude and ill mannered comment and the fact that he ate my mustard pretzels that Lil bought me for after our race. And referred to me as Mother Theresa after I told him about my spiritual wonderings yesterday. I apologize for making many of you cry. Oh it just ended-I can't even begin. The last song that played during the final moments was awesome and who was it? Grace "Am I Fallin or Flying?"Potter-love her! She'll be at the concert this summer. And Lil met her at a farm stand in Vermont?

Back to yesterday. It felt so good to get that out and that it struck a chord in so many. I said in my first blog, the goal here is to connect, think. Including me. Cougar did say I sounded a little Britney with the hair, tattoo and piercings but I reminded her I don't walk around barefoot in gas station bathrooms with a Frappuccino in one hand, Red Bull in the other, Cheetos and a completely untalented white rapper by my side. But, let's give K Fed some credit for turning out to be the more reliable parent. Go K!

I'm feeling a little manic. Tonight during training with Tony (oh, that would be a good name for the t.v. show I'm proposing he do) I yell (in my skirt I might add) "Oh, one legged work. I am so sick of all this one legged crap!" He totally cracked up (btw, I was in no way questioning the one legged work, just commenting on it-I then went on a One Legged Heather Mills rant) I'm scared, so scared. I have multiple doctor's appointments, plan on discussing the next 5 weeks with Eric for 5 hours, and am considering throwing some holy water on the left ankle after the discovery that I am indeed spiritual.

I love people who do. Act. Try to make a change. Talk is cheap, back it up with a verb (oh that was so teacher like). Forget Barack or Hillary or John. Vote for Lilli 2008! She sent out multiple emails today urging people to write their senators in behalf of a bill that's in the Massachusetts legislature in honor of Donna. It's a sick bank bill that would allow employees to donate their vacation time to a sick bank for people like Donna who MUST work to keep their health insurance and benefits. Lil is very socially active and have no doubt that she will do everything she can to get this thing passed. Then I get a voicemail from her tonight about yet some more legislation. This one almost made me pull over to the side of the road I was laughing so hard. "Cupcake, I was just listening to NPR (no Pebbles and Ramiro for this Mensa inductee) and there's a law on the books that immoral (and she stumbled on that word a few times) behavior/contact in a bar or tavern (I love the tavern part; like we go to so many taverns) is against the law. What do you think the punishment would be?" So while Lil is at The State House picketing for the pass of sick bank leave bill (which is actually named after Donna-how incredible is that?) she'll also be handing out fliers protecting the use of "immoral" acts in your local taverns.

Deals with God

I love this picture. I'm in this weird, spiritual mood. Which is really weird because yesterday I told Lilli "I'm not very spiritual. Today's rant was supposed to be about the big taper question; I spent a good hour emailing various people and doing research. But Donna started chemotherapy today and it just seemed so trivial to complain about my increasing bothersome ankle and a 4 week versus 3 week taper.

I am fascinated by accounts of people who have head near death experiences. They all share that "shining light" moment. Kind of like the one in the picture. Yesterday through her tears, Lilli kept talking about feeling like she let Donna down. She said, "I know this sounds so stupid, so irrational but I thought if I made a deal with God to get in under 2:00 hours that maybe somehow he'd give me more time with her." She completely understood the craziness of it, but isn't that what we call faith? I then started thinking about the deals we make with God. Especially when we are losing someone we love.

I never got a chance to make a deal with God about my mom. She was snatched out of my life in a fiery instant. I didn't have to see her suffer from a terminal illness or watch her die before my eyes. I guess in a way I did. I'll never forget when the footage of AA Flight 11 came out. I can still hear the roar of the engines, and the aircraft smashing into the building. Why do the networks feel the need to replay that footage every 9/11? But I can't see her face. I wasn't there to hold her hand and see her take her last breath. My mind can only imagine what was going on inside. In my most dark moments I let my mind wander into corners it should never go to. My mother was very religious and her faith grounded her. I think she knew, I'd feel better actually if she knew, that she didn't have much time left. My mother would not have made a deal with God for her life. Her conversation with God would have been about us, Jess, Nate, my Dad and Drew and Amelia. To take care of us. To love us.

What if I she had been able to call us from the plane to say a last goodbye. Jess thinks she wouldn't have; she wouldn't have laid that burden on us. I would have to agree. But what if she had? I think I would have started making deals. Deals to go to church if he would keep her safe. Not swear as much. Volunteer more. Donate to charity. I honestly don't know. But you see, I don't think God is a dealmaker. That's what I told Lilli yesterday.

I have many people in my life who were there when their loved one, a father, mother, soulmate (actually, I'm not going to use that term because I think I've found a new meaning for soulmate that kind of kills the one we all have-I've been waiting to write about it because I still need to percolate a little more-for those of you who read Eat, Pray, Love, it's the Texan's definition which literally when I read it reached it's invisible arms from the pages and slapped me in the face.), let's use lover (that sounds so x rated), significant other? No, too census like. Girlfriend? No, it doesn't do it justice. I think by now you know what I mean. Precious. Silent. Peaceful. Those are words used to describe it. I would have made a deal with God to give my mother's death those words.

I think our society completely underestimates the psychological trauma of death. Especially a tragic one. The death of a young person, a child. The books give us a trajectory of where we should be at in our grief at 6 weeks, 6 months, 6 years. 6 years. There it is again. Lilli asked me yesterday about my 6 years comment. I told her it was the time that had elapsed since my mom's death. "Move on, let go." Shut up. Don't they get that if we don't let go of a piece, we're still in a way holding on? I'm sorry to rant on and on; it must be the PMS. Aquaman walks around with a face mask, shield and bag of m&ms during this time of the month.

I'm listening to Poe's Haunted cd right now. Coincidence? Not in my book. The entire cd is a musical, poetic, raw journey of the death of her father. I'd list all of the sad, sad, lyrics but I wouldn't do it justice. Because you see, she doesn't always sound sad; there is this element of strength and determination in her voice. "I'll always want you, I'll always need you, I'll always love you, I'll always miss you."

I no longer make deals or barter with God. I do it with my mom. I can't explain it. I didn't realize how much I had blocked her out until the end of this year when nothing in my world made sense. Everyone around me wanted to send me back to therapy (short lived but at least I can say I tried!). So many times I would say aloud, "Mom are you there? What do I do? Send me a sign (what's she going to do-strike my house with lightning?)

So Mom, if you can hear me, look over those who need love, guidance and support and get this increasing throbbing ankle to the finish line (had to ask..........)

"That's the last time I freakin' wear a time goal on me.."

I finished the title this time.

Over vacation I read a book called The Agony of Victory. It was about all of these elite athletes from different sports and what drives them, specifically that winning isn't enough. For them it's the suffering that in a weird way brings them the satisfaction. Not winning is what forces them to trade harder, faster and more intensely the next time around. Any runner will also tell you that part of the allure of running races is totally expecting that anything can happen. Yes, poor performance can be blamed on insufficient training, poor nutrition, weather conditions but there are times that it just happens. The one message I kept hearing before running Boston last year was that ANYTHING could happen out on that course. And maybe poor performance is the wrong term. It's really about not performing up to the standard you set for yourself. After trying to make Lil understand this today on the car ride home, I kept thinking about Deena Kastor. She was the favorite to win the Boston Marathon last year and she came in 6th. She made no excuses and just kept saying, "It just wasn't my day." To repeat her words, "It just wasn't our day." But Lil gave the fight of her life, all she had. I am so proud of her.

The ride to New Bedford was filled with laughter and music. We ran into Sarah in the gym and we were so happy to see her! We did all of the usual pre-race rituals and walked to the starting line. I had made a playlist for us to run to called Go Girl Go so we could run to the same music (everything from The Violent Femmes to The Spice Girls.) We were ready and the gun went off. The weather wasn't nearly as bad as we thought it would be. It was cold and windy but no precipitation. The first two miles we ran in 17:26. I knew we had to slow down so I did. The next few miles I finally found the pace we needed and we were 20-45 seconds ahead of schedule. I would run in front of Lil so she could see the back of my jacket which had a picture of Donna pinned on it. As the miles progressed, the gap between us was growing. I would continually look back, slow down, stop so she could see me. The few times I yelled "Pick it up" I got a Nasty Spice look so decided to not speak but run ahead of her. At mile 8 I could see she was starting to struggle. The good news is that I felt awesome; my legs were strong and I was energized. I did realize that I hadn't eaten enough (once again) so have got to get my nutrition down for the marathon. New tactic, I would run way ahead and ask groups of people to yell "Go Team Donna/Dawna" so that would give her a boost. I should have know she was really hitting that wall when she didn't even smile. I then sang "Don't stop till you get enough" to her but no smile there either. Mile 10 was a wind tunnel right by the water. I knew then that we were going to have to run under 9 minute mile to get in at 1:59. She then yelled to me, "2:03, get me in at 2:03." I could see from her face that she meant it. My job as her pacer was to support her. During those last few miles I got a bunch of drunk guys at a bar to yell for her (they loved it) but on group didn't speak English and of course Dora and Diego speak better Spanish then me so I yell out"escribir" which doesn't mean yell but write so one of the guys writes down his number and throws it at me. Okay, not what I had in mind. Mile 12 is a huge hill what last year she walked up and I wasn't going to let her do that. I plowed up that hill way in front of her to make her chase me. At mile 13 an official yells, "700 more yards to go." It was 2:02 and I knew she had to kick it so I start screaming "Kick it now, kick it now, run like you've never run before" and pointing to the picture of Donna on my back. I start sprinting (and was so excited that I could; I always finish races in a sucky way and this was the first race that I actually passed people at the end.) Lil came in after me and once she crossed the finish line started sobbing. Race officials immediately came over and they were going to throw her in a wheelchair (over my dead body I thought). One of them asked her, "Is this your first race honey?" I later knew Lil was going to make a quick recovery when she said, "What kind of person would ask me if this was my first race? What kind of moron would pick a half marathon as their first race?" Everyone was in this group hug formation and Sarah came over and joined.

Lilli kept asking why she couldn't come in on time for Donna. She felt like a failure, Sarah shared that she her legs felt heavy and when running up that hill she thought of Donna for inspiration. I reminded Lil of all the people I had screaming "Team Donna" on the course. I asked her, "What would touch Donna's heart more? That you made a time goal or that two total strangers ran in honor of her and her battle and that crowds of people were cheering her name? Lil kept questioning what went wrong. I respected the fact that she needed to get it out so we went over her training and I swear it was like I was channeling Eric from Lucky Charms Land. She didn't eat any protein this a.m. And her training had little LT threshold runs or speed work. I told her when we train for another, we 're going to revamp her program.

I can honestly say she ran with all the strength that she had. Every part of her was dedicated to this run. Apart from not making 1:59, this was an amazing run for me. I kept a consistent pace for once in my life. I had fun. I was like Julie from The Love Boat organizing everyone. I was singing out loud. And, I didn't injur myself like I did last year. This run was a huge confidence booster for me. It made me realize what my goals are for Boston; as Feist says, "I feel it all." That's what I want to do.

In other sad news, The Exterminators Spelling team was disqualified after spelling tripping incorrectly. Drew was a little bummed so I took him out for dinner. We discussed disappointment and how to handle it. I told him I felt bad because I didn't get Dawna in on time and he said "Don'f feel bad. You were a good friend and didn't think about yourself . You never gave up on her mom." From the mouths of babes. There he is up there in his spelling uniform. The boy will never spell tripping wrong again.

"That's the last time

And then there were two.........

A day full of surprises and setbacks that instead of creating fear and doubt, resulted in courage and determination.

The hours of the early morning were full of odd jobs around the house and countless emails between Team Dawna/Donna preparing for tomorrow; time of departure, food to pack, gear to bring. After carting the kids around I raced out to Hudson to train with Tony and Brian (it involved a "there's no such thing as being half pregnant" comment and someone sticking their head in my Cytofuse taking a whiff and remembering "old times.") I will write more about the entire conversation at another date because it truly was a special moment out at CP. I then raced to my hair appointment ( 2 hours and 15 minutes once again) where Brian used 5 different pairs of scissors, 2 different razors and said, "I use so many brain cells when I cut your hair."

We had a delicious carb infested dinner at Pomodoro in the North End with my dad and my step mother. I HAD to go to LuLus and buy cupcakes for tomorrow because how can Cupcake not have a cupcake after this thing is over? I did all of this trying not to think that our team of three was now only 2.

Guinness had to drop out of the race this afternoon due to some shocking and completely unexpected developments in her family. We totally understand and completely support her decision and she knows we'll be thinking of her and her family when we run tomorrow. But now that means it's just Lilli and I. That means that it's totally up to ME to get her in. This race is so much more than a race for her, and in many ways for me, Let's back up.

The above picture is of Donna (on the left) and Dawna (Snailster Lilli) on the right. What you can't read on the card that Lil made for her are the words F*ck Cancer. Donna was diagnosed with advanced cancer very recently. She is who we are running for.

I've never met Donna. I've heard many stories about her and immediately loved her. She's like a second mother to Lil, a surrogate grandmother to Lil's kids. When Lil and I went to The Smashing Pumpkins (my plans had changed very unexpectedly and I gave her only an hours notice-it's funny but at the time I was quite angry about it but now, looking back, if events hadn't unfolded like they had, Lil and I would have never connected like we did-see, everything happens for a reason.) , it was Donna who rushed over to take care of her kids because of the short notice. On the car ride there, Lil and I talked about the struggle of mothers to define their identities. It's sad but I think that there is this unspoken expectation that if you are a mother, that should be the most important part of your identity, followed by spouse, job profession etc. We spoke passionately about how we wanted our kids to see as more than mom-to see us as runners, writers, painters, young at heart (women who would go see The Smashing Pumpkins.) She told me Donna thought it was so wonderful that we were going and living our lives in bold and that we ran marathons and had this wonderful support network. Donna told Dawna that was the most invaluable gift we could give our kids. I remember thinking how cool is this woman?

It was Donna who spent many, many afternoons talking with her and guiding her but most importantly supporting her over a very difficult time. It was during this time that Lilli and Raffi were born and the insanity, but stabilizing insanity (I know that makes no sense) began. This summer, fall and winter were life changing for me. I really felt like I had grown a new skin and I wasn't sure how it fit. This sounds so stupid but I feel like I woke up one morning at 36, looked in the mirror and the first time saw who Steph really was. I think I had seen glimpses of her but had never fully embraced her because in truth, she scared me a little. She wasn't your "typical" wife/mother/teacher. I don't even know what that would be. I did know this though; during my test drives of her (getting a tattoo, chopping off the hair, getting the multiple pierings) I loved her. She had spunk, loved to laugh and allowed herself to finally feel again after 6 years. 6 years. Lilli was the one there for me (and Cougar) during this emancipation/re-discovery of sorts. Always listened. Always supportive. ALWAYS asked me the hard questions. Made me some killer cds. Made me laugh. I'm not a crier and for some reason I woke up every Sunday in December crying. Like, I wouldn't even be sad and I'd start crying! So I'd call and we'd meet every Sunday at 11:00 for coffee. Luckily, that behavior pattern STOPPED in 2008. So when she asked me to pace her for the half marathon, I was so touched and immediately agreed to. Like me, Lil is a process person and so much of this journey to tomorrow's race has been about just that, the journey. The discipline, goal setting and focus. And she's put in all of the hard work and like me, she is at a good place right now. She wants to come in at 1:59 more than anything. It's been the driving force behind the 5:00 a.m runs, runs in the freezing cold and all the other stuff in her life. So you see why I have to bring her in. When I found out that Guinness had to drop out, I immediately went into "Okay, then it's up to just me" to bring her in. I totally owe her that,

Dawna is running for Donna who starts chemotherapy on Monday. When she asked me if I would wear a picture of Donna on my shirt tomorrow, I of course said yes. If Donna hadn't been there for Dawna (are you still with me) then Dawna couldn't have been there like she was for me so I owe a lot to Donna.

It's not going to be easy. The forecast is for snow/rain/wind and chill. Doesn't phase me. After all you are talking to someone who ran The Boston Marathon in a Nor'Easter and who has weathered far worst storms. I know you will all be hanging by your seats to see if we can do it or not tomorrow. Just remember, it's so much more than a race. It's a series of statements: "I am strong", "I I have moxie", "I love my family and friends" and my favorite, "F*ck Cancer."

Hamburglar's Program

I gave myself the nickname Hamburglar to McCressey/Ronald and when I went to train last Saturday, my hot pink board with my program written on it said "Hamburglar." I laughed pretty hard. First, everyone else has a clipboard and their programs written on fancy Cressey Performance paper (at least it's not Scooby Doo-if you haven't read Tony Gentilcore's blog, start reading it-a masterpiece of advice and humor and Scooby Doo.) I, have my hot pink board. Ronald is in Ireland right now so when I go to train tomorrow, I'm adding lip gloss, a mirror, some feminine hygiene products and pictures of Justin Timberlake and Keanu Reeves on it. This picture was taken last week after the infamous lifting session with GCB squats and the scorcher that did me in for my 18 miler the next day. I forgot to mention last week that I am selling the Eric Cressey doll on the side for some extra cash. It wears a bright blue UA shirt, shorts, smiles and says things like, "Dig those heels, arch your back, activate those glutes, Come on you've lifted heavier." It's special feature is that if you get upset with it, I have created loaves of bread that you can stuff in it to make it bloat out and a Namaste tee shirt to put on it with cute yoga pants. (I am so going to pay for this one when Ronald returns but he knows that I only really, really make fun of those whom I respect and adore the most-right, Lil?) After stuffing a nice looking baguette down my EC doll last Sunday after my 2 hours and 56 minutes of pure hell, I reminded him that I have a half marathon and because of my schedule I have to lift the day before and I cannot, cannot be sore for it because Snailster is counting on me. He immediately wrote a program and sent it to me and Tony for tomorrow (of course I can't find it.)

I would be lying if I told you I wasn't worried. My left glute kills. It's sore and tight. My lacrosse ball and I have a hot date tonight with it. My long runs have been slower than a 9:04 pace. Same with Helen. The two fast ones have been running SLOW lately. And it was at last year's race that I injured myself which started the unraveling of Steph. I am such a mental runner. I've got to barricade that fear out.

This weekend is packed. Driving the kids to their lessons tomorrow, training with Tony (be nice!), the marathon hair appointment. It's starting to get long and bowl like-time for some serious splicing, We all know how obsessed I am with Rihanna's hair and read this today from her stylist, "She says she's found her personality in a short cut." Rihanna has said about herself, "I hate doing the expected. I'm rebellious." You said it sistah! We're then going to Pomodoro in the North End with my family to carb up for my race the next day. Sunday is the race then I'm speeding back to make it for Drew's first spelling bee (I love my son-after his very smart friend asked him to be on his team, Drew agreed then hung up the phone and said, "Oh man, that was stupid. I can't spell!) I told him I was just proud that he was taking the risk. Because if there's one thing I want my kids to learn from me is that risk taking is the path to figuring out not what you can't do but who you are and that picking up the pieces after falling flat on your face is sometimes the best part of all. You find your strength there. But let's not do that on Sunday morning. Godspeed. Godspeed.

Moxie Meeting

No, I have no idea who the very happy Irish guy is in the picture but he wanted in on the Raffi and Lilli fun so jumped in the picture. We love people who love life!

I arrived at the monthly meeting of the Moxies tired but energized. I trained with Brian and I must say he is really proving to be quite the force to be reckoned with. I appreciate and respect the fact that he totally rags on me like I rag on him. And, the boy pushes me. Like really pushes me.

Snailster and I both have the same tee shirt on-they were gifts I had bought us for V Day. We both have issues calling and texting, especially after a few. I am the proud owner of 1 hour text on NYE that I couldn't seem to get right and deleted 5 times.

The first pic is of Guinness, Snailster and I (BTW, she wants a new nickname, G suggested Escargot) holding Lili's goal for the half marathon this Sunday: 1:59 and the name of our team, Team Dawna/Donna. More on that on another day.

The second is the pic of The Friend's Don't Let Friends Dial and Text" shirt.

The this is of us and The Lucky Charms guy.

It was so nice to catch up and relax. Both Helen and I swore that we would get the girl across the finish line in 1:59. That's a 9:04 pqce. I am so ready to run this Sunday.

Lilli Rules (even is she's not the fastest runner...hee, hee)

I really don't believe in coincidence. I have a magnet on my fridge that says "Everything Happens For A Reason." I really believe that.

Lilli has great cosmic timing. She'll send me a text that will weirdly foresee the immediate future. Once she texted me that she was listening to a song and guess what was playing on my iPod in the car? FREAKY! Today I accidentally emailed her something that was supposed to go to someone else, realized my mistake, emailed her back to say oops. She then emailed me what has to be the funniest, sickest (like as in sick in a cool way) response that forced me to go to the bathroom and laugh so hard that I cried and almost peed. I'd share it but it would lose meaning in translation. Trust me though, it was a winner.

So in keeping true to my goal to go to one artsy thing a month, I keep looking for events this summer. I really want to see Radiohead (In Rainbows is one of my favorite cds of all time-it's pretty much all I listened to in December, especially right around Christmas) and Feist. No luck. I was starting to get scared that my summer would be filled with a Huey Lewis and The News Reunion. Then today Jack Johnson came on my iPOD and I was thinking how much I love his voice. Then tonight I was telling Aquaman how much I love The New Pornographers and downloaded some stuff off their new iTunes session. I then checked the One Tree Hill website to get the music list from last night's episode and discovered Andrew Bird and downloaded some of his stuff. Then I get the email that hasn't made me this excited since The m&m company came out with the all green "aphrodesiac" bags of chocolate sin.

Lilli sent me a link and an invitation to the APW Festival this summer in NYC. The lineup: Radiohead, Jack Johnson, Sia (I will wear a big sign on my head that says Raffi this time), The Go! Team (didn't I just mention them last night?), Andrew Bird, The New Pornographers (yes, yes, yes), Grace Potter ("Am I Falling or Flying"-love her!) and to top it off, Rodrigo y Gabriela (and who knew that Rodrigo was a babe?). Rodrigo y Gabriela are flamenco musicians from Mexico and are awesome (Cougar, FS returns!) And when is it you ask? On my birthday weekend! I start to hyperventilate and tell Aquaman and he says, "I don't know, it will be so crowded." I got out my Wonder Woman lasso rope, tied him up and right now he's hanging from a tree in the yard (in his new J Crew jeans)-what happened to Betsey Johnson undie man? Rumor has it they are coming to Boston so I will wait and see. Even if they don't, I am going.

So Lil, I'm buying you a round tomorrow night at The Moxie's monthly JH gathering for knowing what needs to be said, when to say it and I forgot the rest!

2:00 on Sunday...not one second over. You did hear it might snow (we Moxies are cursed with weather.)

Yet another guilty pleasure

I don't think I've used my Tivo in almost a year. I used to have multiple season passes and follow countless shows. Now, the t.v. may be on at night, but it's typically on ESPN or NESN on mute and my itunes is going while I do work or write. Even the few shows I started watching this season are now missed. We all know about my Hills issue (on hiatus) and when Grey's Anatomy comes back, I will watch. Ditto for Entourage. But there is only one show right now that I actually get excited about and make time to watch; One Tree Hill.

I know, I know, a badly acted sudsy drama on the CW? I'm holding my head in shame right now, but you don't understand, I LOVE THIS SHOW! I have spent four years now with Lucas, Nathan, Peyton, Haley and Brooke. We graduated high school just last year and over the summer we did four years of college in a few months! And I'm rolling my eyes as I write this next statement, but I think I love it because I can relate to all 5 of them.

I think I'm a combination of Brooke and Peyton. Brooke is very into style and fashion, can be very bitchy but loves her friends more than anything else and will drop anything for them. Petyon lost her mother and that loss is the haunting and invisible force that pushes her around. She's got a real dark side, sarcastic sense of humor and the most excellent taste in music. Haley is the smart girl who found her true love with Nathan (the very hot Nathan) and never apologizes for who she is and tells it like it is. Nathan, just look at Nathan, enough said. Lucas, the soul behind the show. Tormented by the useless father who abandoned him, fueled by his love for writing, and bewitched (thanks Mr. Darcy for that word) by Peyton yet is engaged to Lindsay.

Aquaman (whose transformation into ShopperBoy was short lived) always makes fun of me when I sprawl out on the couch with my Diet Coke every Tuesday night. But the past few weeks, he's been sort of watching while reading. Tonight he was in front of me on the couch and I asked him very sweetly to move his big white head because it wasn't invisible. Got the sonar vision look (apparently Aquaman doesn't have laser vision but sonar vision.) I thought for sure he was going to go to bed but he stayed. Tonight's episode did not let us down. Brooke's old flame for high school is her new boyfriend's room mate, Haley caught Nathan, the very hot Nathan, with the slutty nanny but in all defense of Nathan, he was totally innocent (the nanny has some Glen Close Fatal Attraction syndrome going on). All this at Lucas and Lindsay's engagement party where the groom to be kept stealing looks at Peyton. Those two are meant to be together. So next week is "the wedding" and Aquaman looks at me and says, "I may have to watch it next week." I am counting the days!

There is one other huge reason I love this show and that is the music. Honestly, the best music on television. They find the most obscure artists from all genres. This is where I find a lot of my music. It's where I discovered The Bravery, A Fine Frenzy, Lupe Fiasco, The New Pornographers, The Go! Team, Bloc Party. They play a lot of Smashing Pumpkins and Silversun Pickups. It's where The Wreckers (The Good Kind-"Do you want to run away together, I would say it was your best line ever, too bad I fell for it"-Iistening to it right now and Stand Still, Look Pretty are two of my favorite Sunday morning songs) got their start.

Will Haley and Nathan reconcile? Will Brooke fall for the adorable ex high school flame and will Lucas make the biggest mistake of his life by marrying the nice but boring Lindsay or go with his heart and soul and finally admit that the imperfect, moody, tongue biting, black leather jacket, black Converse wearing Peyton is the one who makes him feel, loved, safe. The one is is his home. Aw man, I'm making myself get all emotional here..............................

Running in honor....

The state of t.v. is sad when I sit hear with the volume off watching Red Sox spring training and listening to Aimee Mann. I just spent 3 hours correcting homework and still have more. I don't think I'll be able to stand up after sitting here for that long; today's run was not nice to my legs.

All night I listened to the howling cries of the wind and kept thinking, "I'm going to have to run in this." Pride and Prejudice was on multiple times last night so I kept waking up to different parts; why I didn't turn off the t.v. I'm not sure. Maybe because that movie makes me believe that anything is possible and I have a thing for guys dressed in Victorian gear with awesome accents.

The minute I woke up I could feel the soreness in my hamstrings. quads and glutes. I immediately start cursing Cressey (cause it's so much fun to blame others instead of myself). I had done GCB box squats which I had a lot of trouble with for some reason yesterday. He also tried something new with me on a new piece of equipment called the scorcher (sounds like fun huh?) I kept reminding him that I was running 18 today. But looking back at my program, that shouldn't have done it (unless I was "cheating" but between he and Brian who were both hovering because I couldn't get it right, I don't think I did.) We've exchanged countless emails today trying to figure it out. He'll be out of the country for the next week so already designed my program for next week because I am scared to death of that happening again before The New Bedford Half Marathon.

New Bedford is a week from today so this was Dawna's last training run before it. She had to run 8, me 18. Her goal was to run between a 9:20-9:30 pace because on race day we're going to have to do a 9:10 to come in under 2 hours. We gave ourself a goal time of 1:15. I stretched and rolled for 15 minutes before the run (love the new stuff Cressey gave me.) I was still tight and sore. I was worried. We set out and right away hit a tunnel of wind. This is going to blow (get it?) I kept saying. 2.5 miles in we hit a flood and have to change our route. No problem, I have my Garmin. We're doing well. Dawna was telling me about some sports special she and Guinness watched about a triathlete senior citizen nun who does Ironmans. She almost didn't make the run cutoff one year so did some prayer (can you tell I wasn't entirely with it) and she came in on time. The nun basically said, "I always run in honor or memory of someone." I totally get that. Next week is Dawna's run on so many different levels. I'm just there to help her reach a goal and it gives me goosebumps to know that I'll be part of the process and success. Also stressed about being the lead pacer but I can do it. Dawna is running in honor of another Donna who is in the fight of her life. I'll go into that later this week. Dawna, Helen and I will all be wearing a picture of Donna.

We had 2/10 of a mile left to go and I knew we could come in early so I yell, "All right, we're going to kick it now!" Snailster starts running ahead of me and turns up my hill. She starts to slow down. I yell "You are not walking up that hill, keep running!" And she did! That's us with our goal time 1:15 and actual, 1:13:26! Yes! That was a 9:08 pace. At that point my legs were heavy and I knew the next 10 miles were going to be UGLY! It's around this time that I realize something is up with my Gatorade. I accidentally had bought G2 which is diet Gatorade. What kind of endurance athlete am i buying low calorie Gatorade? Nasty! My original route was ruined by the flood so the next 10 miles are literally running in different zig zags, circles etc.

I'm getting cold, the wind is picking up and my legs are like bricks. I'm starting to hit a wall, question my abilities and get depressed. Around mile 15 I pass a young man walking with crutches; it looked like he had either MS or CP. He says hi and KI return the greeting and comment on the weather. I then run another mile and turn back. He had probably traveled .25 of a mile. I pass him again and he says, "Wow, you are going fast." I tell him not really and then realize how insensitive I had been. Here I am complaining that I'm running 9:30-9:45 and here he is barely moving along but smiling. I then say, "You're right, I;m going pretty fast for having run 16 miles and being old!" He starts to laugh and tells me his name and I tell him mine. He asks why I'm running so long and I tell him. He then says, "Run 1 mile for me because you can." As soon as he said that I felt like a door had opened in my head. I had been so focused on my time and splits that I had lost sight of why I'm running. I never set out to beat my time from last year yet I'm surrounded by people who think I will. I wanted to run it differently, ie, not get injured and be on crutches the next day. And for me it's the journey there, not necessarily the destination. I have had more fun training, learned new things, discovered new products and am just happier this time around. An idea then came into my head. I'm going to split the marathon into 26 people that have meaning in my life. I will run 1 mile for each of them and think about why I am so thankful they are in my life. I couldn't have done it alone and thinking of them will give me that boost. And instead of thinking, only 3 more miles until Heartbreak, I'll think, only 3 more miles until Amelia or Drew. And then I will think about them for that mile. I of course will have people that have passed away or are sick. But think about it, how many healthy regular old people ever have someone run in honor of them for just being them? Typically it's for loved ones who have passed away or people facing horrible illness. We all know I LOVE buying gifts for friends and family. Books, clothes, tickets, music, wine etc. I love to give. I get that from my Grandpa Gus. This might just be the best gift I give this year. So thank you Chris on crutches for giving me a gift today. And you my new found friend are mile 16.

Willis and Aquaman go shopping.......

I've finally wised up and brought my laptop to bed instead of writing then falling asleep on the couch in strange fetal like positions. I need a restful sleep tonight since I'm running 18. The wind is howling and Aquaman just told me, "Dawna better run in front of you tomorrow." He even gave me control of the remote and of course I found "Pride and Predjudice" is on so we're flipping between that (I MUST see Mr. Darcy tell Elizabeth "You bewitch me." And I must see the end scene at sunrise when they meet in the meadow) and The Celtics game.

Aquaman's nickname for me has always been Willis. Will go into that another time. Aquaman hates to shop. Thinks that $25 is the perfect amount to pay for a pair of jeans. Rolls his eyes when I return from yet another theraputic shopping spree. We all know, and I make no excuses, that I like to shop. I would like to think that I have a distinct style (I have two I think-I go from stylish, expensive hip sort of funky to Nirvana grunge baggy khaki's, comic book tee shirt-and I love them both.) Aquaman only has clothes because I buy them for him.

The weather was horrible so we decided to nix the movie and Moody Street and instead go shopping for Aquaman. I couldn't believe he agreed. Red flags should have been up right there. He usually sticks to The Gap (he thinks that's dressing up-no joke) so we head there first. No luck. I thought for sure he'd throw in the towel but he says, "Let's go to J Crew.: I look at him with a very suspicious eye-he's never gone there in his life. We go and he picks out a very funky pair of cargo shorts and jeans that, gasp, cost more than $25! Cha ching, on to the next store. He says, "Let's go to Nordstroms." I'm thinking I might need some oxygen at that suggestion but go with it. I try to talk him into a pair of Lucky or Seven jeans but he says he'd get beat up at work if he wore them and he's probably right. He then remembers he needs cologne so we head there (usually he buys it at CVS.) Now the cologne ladies know me well and are like, "Hello Stephanie!" I explain that he needs cologne so they, no joke begin interviewing him and much to my surprise he answers them very well. They choose three. The winner by far was Clean. I wasn't sure Aquaman was going to go for it because it was so different from what he usually wears but he smelled it and agreed. Cha ching, on to the next store. I by now am thinking the real Aquaman has been abducted and the guy standing next to me is an imposter. I actually need a spring perfume (save the snickers to yourself for that comment) and want to buy Bond which Saks Fifth Avenue only carries but decide to see if Neiman Marcus has it. We walk in and I'm immediately greeted by the head of the department. I ask for Bond and she says they don't carry it but they do carry Creed which, much to my surprise, is what Bond originated from. Bond creates all of their scents around NYC burroughs and apparently some disgruntled employee ripped off all the Bond ideas from Creed when she left the company. I love products that have a story; that's why I bought Fracas, my "going out" perfume. I decide to try it. She decided on two that I'd like. I loved them both so have her try it on my skin for the final test. Upon second sniff, I know immediately which one I like the most but decided to test Aquaman's sensory powers so ask him (typically he says, "I don't know, I can't smell a thing.") He sniffs (and sniffs the coffee beans in between) and says, "That one." The one I had chosen! She asks what size bottle and I know this stuff is not cheap and Aquaman says, "Get her the big one please and Steph, do you want the body lotion too?" She starts telling him what a great shopper he is and starts throwing in tons of samples for him. I am completely silent. Who was this man next to me?

We go to Sel de la Terre for a fantastic meal. Aquaman never reads this blog so I'm filling him in on everything and totally making the people next to us laugh. Even when in Nordstroms and Neimans, Aquaman commented on the eerie connection I make with salespeople (a gift I tell him.) After a 4 course meal which I'm sure will do wonders for my 18 miler tomorrow he says, "Let's go back to Nordstroms." Tears of joy come to my eyes. We enter and I ask, "What are we here for?" Aquaman says, "For you." Pour moi? So now I'm thinking that he's dying or having an affair or his business is going under, something terrible so is buttering me up with shopping. "What do you need Willis?" I froze, I couldn't think clearly so I say, "Underwear?" Up we go. Now I just bought three new pairs last week at Nordstroms-two from Hanky Panky (sorry but any undergarment named Hanky Panky needs to be bought) and one from an Italian company called Cosabella. Both were totally comfortable and hip. So there's Aquaman going through drawers looking for small ultra low rise. So the saleswoman comes over and asks if she can help and comments what a great husband he is to be looking for underwear for his wife and the following words came out of his mouth, "Does Betsy Johnson make underwear? My wife loves Betsey Johnson bras and it would be nice if she had some underwear too." I thought the woman was going to kiss him for even knowing who Betsey Johnson is. I at that point faint and have security shoving smelling salts up my nose (well, maybe not but how cool would that have been?) Aquaman knows who Betsey Johnson is? And that I wear her bras? And he asked this very hot, young looking saleswoman if she could help him look for underwear for his wife? I felt like I was in a scene of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. As we check out the woman says to Aquaman, "I hope when I get married, my husband is as style savvy as you." Just then my cheese plate from dinner is about to come up. Was there a full moon out? What happened to Mr. $25 Jean? I'll know something is up if tomorrow he suggests to go look at jewelry..........

Veruca Salt, music critic

This girl is my idol. The red dress with the lace frill combined with the snotty snicker is the perfect combination of attitude, elegance and confidence. I am so watching Charlie tonight.

I read the review of Sia's concert today in The Boston Globe and was taken aback by the similarities of our opinions. Coincidence that we focused on the same aspects and zeroed in on the same songs? Honestly, I'm not sure I believe in coincidence. I think there is a purpose and meaning for everything.

"But despite her wide grin, constant jokes and habit of addressing individual fans from her message boards (um, that would be me Mrl. Hirsh), Sia's songs tended more toward bittersweet sentiments like the ones in the punch "Girl You Lost To Cocaine" and the untethered "Breathe Me."-I totally agree Mr. Hirsh.

"It was a terrific vocal performance except for Sia's enunciation (enunciation is way overrated Mr. Hirsh), which made her incomprehensible for the quieter parts of "Soon We'll Be Found" and "Breathe Me." It was particularly noticeable at the start of the reassuring "You Have Been Loved," where it sounded like she was singing only vowels. They were rich, gorgeous vowel, though, AND THE SONG'S MOST IMPORTANT LYRIC "YOU WILL BE LOVED BY SOMEONE GOOD"-made it through loud and clear. Coincidence we both connected to the same lyric in the same song? I think not.

""She was practically a soul/R&B singer , with every note a struggle against both her insecurities and the resistance of the outside word into which she was pushing them."-okay, Hirsh said it much more eloquently but I was thinking it.

I am beyond exhausted and need to get some sleep. I can't run tomorrow due to bad weather so will do 18.3 by myself on Sunday. I hate running on Sunday. It totally ruins Saturday night. Aquaman is taking me out tomorrow. I'm thinking of seeing "In Burges" in Waltham and then heading to Moody Street for some dinner. My friend Heidi told me to try Tempo so think I just might.

"This one's for you....."

I really hope the video works-it's of Sia singing "Destiny" last night. Like the Blair Witch Project like camera work? If the video doesn't work, then that's a picture of her singing "Day Too Soon."

I still have a smile plastered across my face and feel like I'm beaming after last night. When I told my sister, Dawna and my kids what I'm about to write, they all screamed, one even cried. I am still trying to process.

I love nicknames and give them to all my friends and in return they bestow some real winners on me. Stephie, Willis, FS, SS, Snokykahok and Cupcake just to name a few. One of my favorites is Raffi. Long story which I really won't go into, but I love it because it compliments a nickname for another friend which is Lilli. I will one day write The Adventures of Lilli and Raffi. Most people don't get the nickname thing but that's okay, it's my own weird issue, and hey we're all allowed to have those.

When I wrote to Sia I used my username, Raffi but also wrote Steph. When I arrived at The Paradise, I was impressed with the intimacy of the environment. The in your face experience I was hoping for was definitely going to happen. I was tired (half day of curriculum work at school, teaching, spent time with the kids, did h.w., went running and of course kind of only ate half my dinner) but building energy and so mentally and emotionally ready to see Sia. Luckily my friend who I went with (after hearing an amusing story he told me last night I have bequeathed a new nickname for him, Willy Wonka, so I will refer to him as that-I'm thinking mine should be Veruca Salt, though I connect more with the chick who turns into a blueberry in the book, I've been listening to a lot of Veruca Salt lately-Seether Girl-I just love saying Seether Girl) bought me couple of rounds (loved the cranberry juice/amaretto combo WW) to prepare me for Har Mar Superstar, the opening act. HMS looks like Jack Black's (and I love JB) older, harrier brother with a Jack Nicholson look from The Shining. His music was like eighties have fun good beat music and he could actually sing. He totally loved himself and life and had some moves that reminded me of Britney Spears on muscle relaxers. What I loved about him is that he loved life, was in the moment and was not constrained by fear, self-awareness or embarrassment. So at times he was a little repulsive, he was also completely awesome. Kind of like sweet and salty (oh no Orville is tempting me again.)

The instant I heard Sia's voice I just knew that she was the real thing. That voice just went right through me. I knew her set list and knew that Little Black Sandals was the second song. So I'm totally in the moment and not really sure what my mind was doing but heard "Where's Raffi? Raffi this one is for you luv. Raffi, where are you, Steph?" Okay, there could only be one Raffi/Steph combination so I look at WW and say, "OMG, that's me!" Meanwhile she's still calling my name, so he yells to me "Run downstairs Sistah!" So down I run in my black shoes (okay they weren't my running ones but were my Converse) as Sia sings Little Black Sandals. Does life get better than that? And in my Wonder Woman, Super Girl, Bat Girl tee shirt. All that would have completed the experience is to be eating a cupcake. I try to make my way closer to the stage and I'm yelling "I'm Raffi, I'm Steph!" I got as close as I could but she couldn't hear me. It really didn't matter though. She dedicated THAT song to ME!!! The rest of the evening was a series of heart wrenching, soul searching musical euphoria. I Have Been Loved-to hear the sweetness/sadness when she sang, "You have been loved by someone good" still is resonating in me. And Breathe Me-the power in her voice during the last part of that song made you believe that she had found what she was looking for. The surprise of the night-Death by Chocolate. It had this spiritual, Sunday morning vibe to it.

I of course was completely pumped with adrenaline on the ride home so called Cougar and Lilli (am sticking with the nickname thing here). Cougar was in tears; that song has very different meaning for both of us and the fact that Sia dedicated it to me (I am totally bragging as Lilli pointed out) was beyond our comprehension. I told Aquaman when I got home and he was happy for me but was like, "What song?" I bought Amelia a pink concert tee and she was screaming and jumping up and down when I told her. She wore her shirt to school today. Sia would have been so proud.

I have realized the power of live art and the effect it has on me so have made it a point to go to one cultural experience a month. I saw the Smashing Pumpkins twice in October, Third Eye Blind and Silversun Pickups in November, Flamenco Festival in February and Sia in March. Next up? Mary J Blige and Jay Zee in April and Natalie Merchant with The Boston Pops in May. Aquaman came through and scored Celtics playoff tickets (shouldn't have been that hard seeing that his family has season tickets-the seats are in the second row-am totally psyched to sit there with my beer and hot dog.) I'd like to see a couple plays. And when Sia comes back, I am so bringing a cupcake............

The Countdown

I trained with Eric tonight. To say I was tight is an understatement. He didn't realize the extent (nor did I) until I tried to box squat and couldn't, so he modified with body weight but even that was tough so it was time for a new plan. On the table I went for a series of seriously horrific but necessary stretches. I ran 10.5 Sunday and 6 yesterday (and am doing an LT 3.10 mile run between a 8:00-8:10 pace tomorrow before Sia). The frown came on the face and the inevitable question, "Why did you run two days in a row?" I had no choice; my schedule is crazy this week so it had do be done. My program was a combination of strength training, mobilization and stretching. By the end of our session (which strangely started with 6 other guys and ended with just the two of us) I was moving with much more ease.


In 24 hours I will be experiencing the soulful, sultry, jazzy voice of Sia. I talked to my sister tonight and she couldn't believe the concert was finally here. She and her friends had spent an hour Saturday night sitting in the car listening to Sia. I vividly remember the first time I heard her. I am a huge Six Feet Under fan and "Breathe Me" was played during the last 5 minutes of the series finale. I was obsessed with that song; itunes didn't have it and at that time you could only order it on an import. I have collected various versions of it; the original ( the most haunting), Mylo remix (more seductive with a heavy beat), and the live version ( sends goosebumps all over.) I have her set list and with the exception of Pageant of the Bizarre, she's singing of all my favorites. Buttons, Little Black Sandals (I tell my feet to move it, I hope they have a plan), Lentil, Day Too Soon (You'll risk all this for a kiss, I promise I will not resist, Promise you won't hold me down, And when we reach a good place, Let's be sure we leave no trace, Promise they won't track us down), The Co-Dependent, Sunday, Destiny (When I'm weak I draw strength from you, And when you're lost, I know how to change your mood, And when I'm down you breathe life over me, Even though we're miles apart, we are each other's destiny), Academia, The Girl You Lost to Cocaine, You Have Been Loved (Oh you, you have been loved by someone good), Playground, Soon We'll Be Found, Breathe Me(Hold me up, Wrap me up, Unfold me, I am small, I'm needy, Warm me up and breathe me), Death By Chocolate, and Distractions. I am looking most forward to hearing Little Black Sandals, Day Too Soon, Destiny (one of my top 10 songs of all time), You Have Been Loved and Breathe Me (one of my top 5 songs of all time.) I just don't want to listen, I want to EXPERIENCE everything. I have listened to these songs countless times, scrutinized the lyrics and often wondered who she was writing about. What are the stories behind these songs of heartbreak, hope, love and expression? Trust me, if you've never listened to her, go listen to Breathe Me right now, Yes, right now. You cannot listen to that song and not have it create this ache in your chest. What I love most about that song? I don't think it's written for a romantic significant other. I really think it's about someone hitting rock bottom and reaching out to friends for help. Earlier in this blog, I had complained about all of my songs having to do with the romantic type of love. Leave it to Sia to write one of the most beautiful achingly poetic songs about reaching out to those around you. I seriously have butterflies in my stomach just thinking of her singing the last 2 minutes of that song...............

Princess Cupcake to make TV debut!

Before we get to my encounter with Billy Costa, let's back up.

I haven't trained in Hudson for almost 2 months but went out on Saturday because I couldn't run in the snowstorm so had to lift yesterday and run today. It had been almost a month since I had seen Eric. I walk in (my running skort, black Uggs, CP hoodie and Kate Spade tote full of water, banana and Cytofuse-I was channeling some major Olsen Twin and Spears Girls vibes in this getup) and say hi to everyone. I put on my black running shoes and go through my warm up and I'm ready to go. All three of my torture professionals are there; Tony, Eric and Brian. Plus a couple of interns. I notice that Tony is working with just one client as is Brian so I assumed that Eric would be overseeing me. I look at my pink board (oh how I've missed it!) to check out my program and go to my first stop, a summo lift. Cressey asks, "Are those black running shoes?" I said yes and they mean have great significant meaning to me so don't make fun of them. And then came the next comment which I was waiting for. "Is that a skirt you're wearing?" I said "Yeah, isn't it cute? It's totally comfortable." He comes over to inspect it and then I realize that he doesn't realize that there's something underneath it; I immediately show him the compression shorts attached to it underneath. So Tony comes over and the look on his face is priceless. I say, "It''s a running skort, it's so comfortable." He respond with a look that I can't even begin to describe, "So?" I should have had his girlfriend (who was there and who totally rocks because like me loves Tori Amos-listening to her right now-and cupcakes-set him straight. Eric says, "I can honestly say we've never had anyone lift in a skirt before." I immediately offer to buy them each one which is widely accepted by all the other guys lifting (we were thinking pink.)

I knew this wasn't a deload week (thanks to the excel spreadsheet Eric made for me for the rest of my training and I'm actually following it this time.) I've slowly learned how each of them programs and what their specialties are. Eric really pushes me for the heavier weight, less reps whereas Tony is phenomenal at integrating stretching, activation and mobilization exercises between sets. I've only worked with Brian a few times but he wasted no time at all correcting me on my form and realizing that I could lift heavier stuff than I let on. Eric is more, "Come on, you've lifted more before, you can do it," Tony is, "Come on Steph, that a girl, last set best set." And Brian, "Don't be a cheater Steph, you can do it, if you can still talk while doing that set then you're not working hard enough." It's kind of like having three parents. It was obvious that Eric was in charge of me so I stupidly assumed that I would be working with just him. Think again. I would hear from across the room from three different voices "Keep that chin tucked, arch that back, squeeze that left glute." Do you know what it's like to have three people scrutinize every move you make? And in a skort? Cressey was proud though; I actually asked to do the sled. I thought he was going to cry tears of joy.

I get home and Aquaman informs me that he's not going to the auction with me because he is obsessed with tearing apart the flooring downstairs from the mini flood. It's 3:00 and I have no date. I go over my options and decide to call my dear friend Jessica (we were sorority sisters in college.) She agrees to go! One day I will share the very funny story of us at the Natalie Merchant concert (I have been in such a Natalie mood lately) that involves a Tibetan singer who yodels, a badly timed case of coughing and gallow's laughter. I still laugh when I think of it.

We're having a good time and I'm catching up with friends I haven't seen in awhile. I bid on some stuff but am waiting for the live auction (I'm so mad-I lost a day and lunch with Jennifer Garner and Matthew McCounghay by $100-I was going to take Tony but only if he promised to watch all of Keanu Reeves's movies. Finale donated all of the desserts so like all women, we don't eat dinner and go straight for the sweets (a move that caught up with me the next day-never not have dinner and then just cupcakes before a 10.5 mile run). So I'm licking the frosting off of my cupcake and go up to Billy Costa of Kiss 108 and TV Diner fame (Aquaman and I always watch) and introduce myself. The three of us start talking and I ask him for a picture and he agrees. We start talking sweets and I tell him that I could write a 50 page thesis on cupcakes in the Boston area-frosting, cake, specialty etc. He then asks if I would be interested in coming on the show to do a segment on cupcakes. The world stopped right then. Me? Be a guest diner and review cupcakes? I would have hugged and kissed him right then and there but you know people would have talked. He then looks at me and says, "You promise you won't get shy on camera?" And Jessica nods her head like, "You won't be able to shut her up."

So I guess the nickname that Dawna gave me will have to stick. I wanted to change it to Bearclaw because that sounds more fierce and I could growl but Cupcake I will be. I read that some fans bring cupcakes to Sia at her concerts. Hmm..................

Aquaman woke me up this morning.....

at 5:00 a.m. On a Saturday morning when I don't have to run because of a snowstorm (doing it tomorrow instead.) I was deep in slumber and was having the best dream. I was thankful because lately my dreams have been the "let's analyze your actions and find meaning in them" kind of dreams (if you ever need a good dream interpreter, call my sister-she's actually studied how to do this.) So okay Jess, what do you think of this one?

In my dream, before I was so rudely awoken by Aquaman, I was at party and all of my friends were there (I LOVE all of my friends, but I have different groups of friends, college, grad school, school, running, mommy, fitness, so for all of them to be together would be quite the undertaking (except for a funeral-OMG, maybe that is the message??). We were all eating bbq chicken and drinking root beer (yes root beer). I love bbq food. I think the bbq was in my dream because my school friends and I had been talking that afternoon about going to Bison Country for some down home cooking. Anyways, I was having a great time and was just about to take a bite out of my juicy chicken slathered in bbq sauce when Aquaman (and strangely enough, Vic kind of looks like that Aquaman figure) comes running in the bedroom and yells "Get out of bed now!" My immediate reaction was, "Oh no, he found the Visa bill!" but after looking at him I realized he was quite wet. Like soaking wet. Then I heard what sounded like running water; like a stream. Strange since we don't live near a stream. It was 5:00 a.m. so part of my brain was still asleep (and wanting so desperately to take a bite of that bbq chicken.) "A pipe burst in the garage and the downstairs is flooding" he yelled. Now the news that an entire floor of your house was flooding would force most people out of bed but I kept thinking about that chicken (what is the significance of the chicken Jess?), was the bbq sauce sweet, spicy or smokey? I plopped my head back on the pillow and closed my eyes; I just needed 1 more minute of sleep to take a bite. Just then Aquaman glared at me with his laser vision eyes (I'm not sure if Aquaman does have laser vision) that said, "NOW!"

I'm actually very good in emergency situations. I think coherently and typically stay calm. But when it comes to stuff with the house, I'm mentally just not there. I go down to find not a flood, but a ton of drenched carpet and stuff and hear what sounds like Niagra Falls coming out of the garage. Aquaman can't find the lever to turn off the water so looks at me. For the record my favorite Sueperhero is Wonder Woman (she's on my shirt in the upper right hand corner) and I'm thinking, "What would she do?" So I start helping trying to find the lever and as I am I notice a killer black black tee shirt that I thought I had lost on the floor, so go over and pick it up and say "I've been looking for this forever!" (I think that's what WW would have done-fashion was of the utmost importance.) Aquaman is ready now to throw me in the ocean so I say, "I'll go call the plumber!"

Aquaman saved the day and found the lever. So it's now 6:13 a.m. and Aquaman is at the Home Depot buying a water vac and garbage bags, I'm waiting for the plumber and thank goodness Batboy and Batgirl slept through this and are still asleep. We have an auction/dinner to go to tonight but I am so getting bbq chicken tomorrow!