Tech Nirvana

My little tech less experiment is over! After 9 days of darkness, my entire life with the exception of my toilet is wireless. Mr. Geek Squad who is my new best friend came out and in 90 minutes did what would have taken me 90 years. He still has to come back next week and try to salvage my music and pictures from the dead hard drive but at this point, I don't care! I am sitting in my cozy rustic red walled living room, drinking my Diet Coke, watching the season finale of Lost in prep for the season premiere tomorrow and typing away on my brand new black (you knew my laptop would have to be black) Macbook. Downstairs is my other new Mac with the ultra big screen and my new Cannon scanner/printer/copier. Everything is wireless (he even hooked up the WIi to be wireless for me.) I would have showed you a picture but still haven't figured out how to do that yet on my Mac-give me time. I haven't bought anything on Itunes in almost two weeks; I have a list of at least 8 songs with the new Lenny Kravitz at the top of my list. I need to go and get my fix now!

16.52 Miles (but who's counting??

So I'm at Kinko's at 9:08 a.m. checking my email on a snowy Sunday morning. It is Sunday and I'm feeling great-energized, optimistic and just happy. I welcome the change.

I was stressing out about yesterday's long run. I fell asleep on the couch Friday night and woke up singing "Buttons" by Sia (I know, why is she haunting me?) and then realized she was on t.v.! She was on Jimmy Kimmel Live and sang Buttons and then Breathe Me. A sign! I immediately texted some people to make sure they went online to see the performance (yes, my phone is back). I turned my phone off because I had to get some more sleep. I awoke to a very emotional voicemail that completely gave me the kick in the butt (the good side) that I needed about my run. Someone very close to this person was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer and doesn't have much time. My friend told me this, "you run hard tomorrow, I want you to be mad and angry and take that energy and be strong for those who can't." So I did. I hadn't had a mad/angry run in awhile. I ran a very even run and did 16.52 miles in 2:32 which is about a 9:15 pace. I totally zoned during half of it-I somehow went through mile 7-12 and not even realized it. I love it when that happens. Somewhere around mile 9 when I turned onto Comm Ave and saw those ugly Newton Hills (my first time since the marathon) my angry run turned into one full of confidence and optimisim. And right at that moment, I'm not lying, Little Black Sandals came on and I flew up those hills in my black running shoes. I honestly think I'll be the only person running the Boston Marathon in black shoes, but hey, it will be easy to spot me. I felt strong and focused through the entire run. I thought of those who were suffering through life changing problems and how they were handling it with grace. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I can't wait until my 18.3 mile run in two weeks; these long runs are a door, a gateway for me to reflect, think, zone and see what I am made of.

Tech free for 3 days now......

I'm at the Wellesley Public Library listening to some woman sing Raffi while I check my email because not only am I without a computer at home (I have the day off) but I also ran over my cell phone on Tuesday so am phoneless! No email, internet, texting, phone calls-I'm so lost! I wander around in circles. I'm positive that my cable will go out, Tivo box will die and my IPOD too. I could deal with all of it except the IPOD. Five more days to go until my computers are hooked up. New cell phone should be here today. At least my little black running shoes came in-they need to get me through 16 miless tomorrow! You think the Raffi Woman takes requests? I'm thinking a little Billy Corrigan?

Me and my stupid messy signs.....

Dear Sia,

Please write a song about a girl who woke up to find that her computer had crashed so now she has to go and buy a second new computer in one week. She couldn't figure out how to set up her wireless and new Macbook so had to hire the Geek Squad to come out and set it up (a huge geek she is for not figuring it out.) They can't come until next week. So she will be without a home computer for ONE WEEK! The message in this is clear; GO MAC AND DON'T LOOK BACK. And, poor Steph. Literally. I've had enough messy signs and it's only 8:05 in the morning.

Thanks.

Ms. Little Black Running Shoes with no computer and a horrendous credit card bill

Messy Signs

Okay, I'm back to Sia again. I love this picture. It makes me wonder why she chose a Spiderman outfit. I'm guessing because Spidey isn't so clear cut; he's got that dark and brooding side and can lose control. He lives a double life as Peter Parker and SM. He's suffered multiple losses yet tries to find the good. Or maybe her Batman costume was at the cleaners? My mother truly believed that everything happens for a reason. You might not got it at the time, or appreciate it, but it was meant to be. I've tried so hard to embrace this notion. Sia keeps popping into my life lately and I'm trying to connect the dots.

After posting Sia's Little Black Sandals, people have told me how this song smacked their soul awake. I said that if I wrote this song I would have named it "Little Black Running Shoes." I later that day find out that my running shoes are being discontinued (total panic attack here) and when I went to order them online, the only color they had left in my size were black. Imagine the Twilight Zone music playing in the background. I can't wait to wear my black running shoes (true, I might look a little odd, but the significance they have is totally worth the fashion awkwardness.) I also hate Sundays. I don't know why. They're just so hard for me. Enter Sia. Her song Sunday has helped learn to get through them. So I'm listening to it yesterday and somehow when trying to get the lyrics, find out that she's coming to Boston in March. Two clicks later and I've got 2 tickets to see her at The Paradise. I start screaming, "I'm going to see Sia! These little black sandals, help, I have done it again," and other one liners from her songs. Vic looks at me and says "Who? Is she a one hit wonder?" Can you guess who's not coming with me?

I've also had many people tell me this week that they actually read this blog. Honestly, I really didn't care. This outpouring of me has been therapeutic and cleansing. Today someone wrote to me , "You are so inspirational." I don't want to be inspirational; I want to make you think. I want to make me think. Question things. Connection is the whole point of this. Today a person very important person to me did a very brave thing and was honest in a very public forum. It took cajones (that's as bilingual as I'll ever get.) People were touched and so thankful for her honesty. They felt that they were not alone in their confusion over relationships, identity and trajectory in life. One of my favorite sayings is "Life is messy." My mom used to tell stories of how when I was little, I HATED to get messy. So it got me to thinking (see what happens when you have a three day weekend?). There are three parts to messy;making the mess, being in the mess and picking up the mess. I think most people think of the second stage; picture a little kid with chocolate all over his face. If you ask me, the first stage is the unleashing of the unknown, the throwing of the paint on the canvas. What kind of mess? Losing control. The second stage is the realization of what you have done. The "uh oh" moment. And the third is what I think defines us. How do we clean it up? Do we put it back together like it used to be or change things around? Or wipe away any existence of what used to be? I think it's time for me to get messy (and the good part is that it won't show on my new little black running shoes.)

Reverse Splits Finally! And Cake!

I'm smiling in that picture because I knew what awaited me later-cake! That's Dawna, Christine and I headed out for a run yesterday. I ran 10.75 and they joined me for the first 4. Let me back up first. On Friday I went to Hudson, spent 30 minutes of sheer torture with John my p.t. I've been having left hamstring issues and it seems that my left hip/pelvis is out of whack and then upon further examination, my left adductor is as tight as a ball (I now have a nice bruise where he worked on it.) He calls Eric and Tony in and gives them the analysis and all I hear is something about "fire up her glutes"-I should have ran out of there when I heard that. I thought my session wouldn't be that bad since I had a long run the next day but what do I know? Cressey-"10 miles is easy for you, it's high volume week, get to it." I looked at my board and thought I had read it wrong-5-6 sets of chin ups, deadlifts and 3x2 runs with the sled? Plus more? But this is why I train with them-they knew I was capable of it and when I left I felt stronger than I had in a long time. I'm pacing Dawna in the New Bedford Half Marathon in March and she needs to run a 9.10 minute mile to come in at her goal. I got a freak out email earlier this week full of doubt so I told her she was running with me this weekend to start working on her pace. My issue (one of many) is that I start too fast, hit a wall around mile 6 (but Eric and I are working on that-it's more of an energy depletion thing so completely revamped my diet, pre long run nutrition and nutrition during my run), slow down for two miles and then pick it up again. One of my goals is to run a reverse split run; slower in the beginning and faster in the end. I've never done it. Until yesterday. I promised Dawna and Christine we would run the first mile at their usual warm up pace and then I was going to pick up from there (it would still be 30-45 seconds slower than normal pace for me). As we set out in the cold, brisk air we realized we all had the same black outfit on! I'll admit, it was hard for me to not pick it up. We did the first mile in around 9:40 and then agreed we would aim for a 9:20 pace. My Garmin kept us on track. We finished the first 4 and hit our goal! It was great to have company. I was feeling strong so picked it up. At mile 5 took the Gu to hopefully prevent that wall from happening and it helped. Finished the 10.75 in 1:32:07 which is a 8:36 pace. I can't begin to describe how great it felt to not be tired at the end of the run and to run reverse splits. We're going to do this every other weekend and I'm so excited! Now to the cake. Everyone knows I'm a cake snob. I would never think of buying a cake from a grocery store. When I brought the cake out at Drew's party, the boys were like, "Awesome!" The party went amazingly well. They ate everything, found every weapon we had in the house and ran around like maniacs until it was movie time. I was the cool mom and slept with them in the family room. Everyone was asleep by 12:30. My favorite line of the night was "My grandma doesn't wear a bra!" which was followed by a chorus of "Nasty!" I ended that conversation quickly. I finally broke down and bought a Macbook laptop so need to set that up today, try to set up my WiFi, watch the Pats game and am going to the movies with friends tonight. It's total chick flick night. Next week's run is 16. The 14 miler didn't go as well as I had hoped (I had overdressed, was stripping off layer after layer, the water stop ran out of water-it was bad) so hopefully I'll be inspired by seeing "Spirit of the Marathon" on Thursday night with a bunch of running friends. Call me an emotional, soft geek but I LOVE watching documentaries like this. People overcoming challenges, suffering, crossing that finish line. I'm bringing my tissues!

Pure Terror

In exactly 27 minutes, 6 nine year old boys will descend upon my house for a sleepover to celebrate Drew's birthday. I am totally prepared; Doritos, Pringles, Sprite, Smartfood, veggie tray (I had to), Hawaiian Punch, Transformer cake, gummy worms, (my stomach already hurts), Transformer movie, Wii games, new Bionicle legos for every kid, playlist with all of Drew's favorite music (The Smashing Pumpkins, Evanscence and The White Stripes-what else did you expect, he is my kid), call for pizza in, full bottle of Advil, and wine for mom! Gory details about how it went later.

For The How Do You Want To Show Up? Club

I honestly think music is the most powerful means of communication we have. The combination of poetic verse and rhythmic melodies can create experiences full of euphoria, emotional wreckage and redemption. I love Sia. Breathe Me (all versions) have infiltrated my being in different ways. Her newest compilation, "Some People Have Real Problems" (I would have bought it just for the title) delivers on so many different levels. The first time I heard "Little Black Sandals" I immediately thought of some members of The How Do You Want To Show Up? Club. These women are strong, beautiful, smart, full of life, courageous and and see life as a cycle of flying, not falling. They inspire me every day to be authentic and ask myself, "How do I want to show up?" I've already played this song 28 times today (just a little obsessive I am) and thought some of them could use these lyrics today. I hope they bring you some peace.

Little Black Sandals by Sia

I'm being dragged down, down by the hand
The hand of a golden giant man
He's crushing my knuckles
Splitting my skin, he says he'll let go
If only I'd ask it of him

He says
Girl, it's your call
You wanna fly
You wanna fall
So I shout
I wanna get away from you
As fast as I can
I tell my feet to move it
I hope they have a plan

These little black sandals
Are walking me away
These little black sandals
Are heading the right way

These little black sandals
Are walking me away
These little black sandals
Saved my life today

So now I'm free
Free
From the big bad giant
Who was stalking me
Thank you feet, for guiding me
I'm glad somehow I got brains down there at last

Sometimes I'm tempted
I am
I would be lying if I said I didn't miss that giant man
He was the line between pleasure and pain
But me and the feet have some years to reclaim

These little black sandals......................


I also played "Say You'll Be There" by The Spice Girls at least ten times today. We all need a little Posh in our lives. Plus it's a great song to dance around to while folding laundry!

No bra, yoga pants Holmes to run Boston!

It's 10:16 p.m. and I SHOULD be in bed. I'm running 14 miles tomorrow at 8:00 a.m. with some of the old and new BMC crew (that is if one tall doctor I know decides not to skip out and meet his friends for tea and crumpets-John, you pegged me, I'm using the Purcell's motivation on Jeff.) I had a great day at work. One of my students my first year of teaching who is now a junior in college stopped by to say hello. It was so amazing to see him and hear about what he's been up to. He made my year by telling me that I was one of the only teachers in his entire school career that he liked and made a difference because "you totally got my head Ms. H-B." I had my Friday night dinner of pasta with olive oil, basil and tomatoes. Drank lots of water. Packed my bag for tomorrow (Gu, Surge, Electrolyte water (Whole Foods all the way-does it make a difference? Probably not but I like saying electrolyte water), Luna bar, change of clothes etc. I settled down on the couch with my newest Us and People magazines and was horrified when I read that Katie Holmes would be running the Boston Marathon this year. First flashbacks of Tom in his cashmere light blue turtleneck sweater at the NYC marathon came to mind. Then the just so wrong marathon gear of no bra tank top,yoga pants and cotton hat (I can't believe the the world's best shopper hasn't heard of dri weave.) Then total fear; what if Katie Holmes beats me? True, I would have to add an hour and fifteen minutes to my time from last year, but you never know? Time had not been one of my goals this time around (though Cressey put it out there this week; I ignored it.) Running injury free, a more consistent pace and in shorts were my goals this year. Such high aspirations I know. New game plan now. Don't get me wrong; I think Katie's hair rocks. And I loved her in Pieces of April. But she needs to stay at Barneys buying little Suri Burberry jumpers. I really hope she trains more effectively this time around. But I need to come in ahead of her. I just do. So every time my legs are tired and I start to slow down, I'll picture the above image in my head because no woman who runs a marathon in that outfit is going to come in ahead of me.

Meet Thaleron, the most important man in my life

What's your Daemon?

Meet mine. His name is Thaleron, he's a raccoon and he exhibits the sociable, outgoing, competitive and inquisitve parts of my soul. I'd like to think that Thal is trying to lick the last drops of a margarita out of the cup in the picture. A total extension of me.

This past week was a rollercoaster ride though I tried not to make it. I was one meltdown away from joining Britney, Lindsay and Mischa at an undisclosed facility in the foothills of California. Could this really be happening to me? I have not been sick in 18 months-not even a cold. I work in a petri dish for germs; a school. I take my fish oil, drink green tea, make sure my diet is full of antioxidants. My FOS (friends of Steph) lifeline kept me focused, laughing and loved. Got offers to accompany to my testing, texts and phone calls during it. Some called too many times not out of concern but to hear their special ringback tones on my phone. I'm starting to take requests.

My blood work had come back normal the day before my testing so that made me feel better. I literally had normal levels for everything. As I waited in my ever so lovely hospital gown, flamenco music started playing and I took this as a good sign. I love flamenco. And I'm totally into auspicious signs. Did one round of testing and then waited. And waited. And waited. Nice nurse came out and said they found something on the left side and that the radioligist wanted to speak to me and do more images. Immediately Ava Maria starts going off in my head and I start saying Hail Marys until I realized that, um, I think that's a football play (my good mother baptized me Catholic and it was pretty obvious that my 2 millisecond interaction with holy water and a priest left some rather large holes in my religious being.) During my additional testing, the nurse looks at the screen and then me with a look of fear on her face and I'm thinking, "It's really bad" and she says, "I hope you don't mind me asking but who cuts your hair, I love it!" I get asked about my hair a lot and have learned to carry my stylist's card so I gave her one. Back to the waiting room. More waiting. Doctor comes in and wants to do an additional ultrasound. I've been at the hospital now for 3 hours. Back we go. After a tense 10 minutes he tells me, "You are fine. Everything looks great." This is the best part; they think my bra is causing the sore tissue. The nurse tells me, "Sometimes it's better to get the ugly but comfortable bra." Give up my Victoria's Secret angel bra collection? I think not sister!

But back to how Thaleron came into my life. So feeling ALIVE this morning when I set out on my run, I ran with freedom, joy and happiness. My Ipod was banging out all of my favorites; The Wreckers, Feist, Madonna, Pearl Jam, The Pixies, Luscious Jackson. I somehow turned my long run into a long run with strides and hill repeats. It was my best run so far. 10.39 miles in 1:32. I played The Best of Blondie during the world's longest shower, downed my recovery shake and just smiled. 10 minutes later the tightness and fatigue started to set in. I knew I was going to crash and fast so took the kids to see The Golden Compass. I love the fact that my kids love the movies so we see pretty much everything. I had no expectations of the movie other than I could sit in a nice dark theater and not move. Enter Thaleron my soul mate raccoon. This movie is incredibly intricate and deep for a children's movie which made it so refreshing. It made us think and talk and ask questions. In the movie, every human has a daemon which is your soul in the form of an animal. You and your soul aren't connected. To sever ties between you and your daemon is worse than death itself. Through the entire movie I'm thinking of the possibilites of having your soul be an extension of your being and in what animal form would mine take? On the car ride home, that's all we talked about. It was a relief that my kids are introspective and thoughtful because earlier in the day Hansel and Gretel were fighting over the plastic grill of a kitchen that no one has played with in 3 years. We went to the movie website and there was a test you could take to see what your daemon would be. I went first. The questions were quite interesting. After answering 20, Thaleron the raccoon came on my screen and it was love at first sight. So many times I wish I could step out of myself and watch me with a different pair of eyes and then report back to me with my observations and opinons. Now I have someone to do that with. So if you see a petite woman with great hair talking to no one in her car, know that her imaginary raccoon soul is in there with her.

What will 2008 bring?

I'm not a New Year's resolution kind of girl. I think it's slightly superficial to create goals and aspirations solely based on a date. The biggest changes, both positive and negative, I have made in my life have been created out of intrinsic needs and changes. Kind of like an alarm clock going off inside of my mind, soul but mostly gut. When you have that awakening, you've got to RUN with it. I try so hard to be proactive about what I want rather then get caught in the reactionary cycle which never seems to take me anywhere. I absolutely have goals for 2008 but they weren't made at 12:01 last night. I planted my seeds quite awhile ago. Made the decision to run the marathon again in October, carved out specific time for my family and friends. And then as always in my life, I get sideswiped with the unexpected.

I've been bruising very easily so went to the doctor yesterday for a more comprehensive blood work up. While there, she found "precautionary worrisome tissue" but not to worry because I'm young and healthy but insisted on rounds of testing "just to rule out everything." My reaction was classic me, "I do NOT have time to be sick. Drew's birthday party is in two weeks, I have a marathon to train for, we're going to Puerto Rico and the MCAS are in March (looking back that was my favorite line-I'm worried about the MCAS) -and I have to pace Dawna in the New Bedford half marathon!" She laughed and assured me once again, she was being overly cautious. I took the news rather well. I told two of my closest friends and they did exactly what I needed them to do. They were strong, reminded me of my strength but let me plan my funeral for 5 minutes to get it out of my system (we decided on very sad music during the memorial service, thinking Sarah McLachlan and then some get down, get funky music at the end to get people dancing.) Being the positive person I am, I then said that a good thing to possibly come out of this is that I could get a killer set of maracas once this is all over. They said true, but to not go too overboard because of the discomfort when running. I am so blessed to have friends who look out for my health and well being! We then discussed more important matters like the therapeutic genius of Ms. Mary J Blige.

I didn't let my "precautionary worrisome tissue" (okay, I'll admit it, I googled precautionary and worrisome to figure out the multiple meanings but got bored and instead downloaded a bunch of Luscious Jackson-Ladyfingers will be my anthem for 2008) get in my way of celebrating last night. I also assigned specific ringback tones on my cell to friends and family so they can enjoy their musical genre when calling me. That was fun and also distracted me from my "pwt." My running buddy Helen and her husband Gary had a party and we had a great time. I went for a run this morning (a little rocky with only 4 hours of sleep) and am catching up with work stuff today. School stars again tomorrow and I am ready to go back. Like it or not, free spirited me craves the consistency of a schedule (hence why I am a marathoner). I miss working with my colleagues and teaching the kids in my class. Fourth graders have an amazing sense of the world and I consider it a privilege to help them find their way around it. I've been working on a reading unit called "Reading like a writer" and am so excited to start teaching it. We're going to look at different authors, primarily through picture books, and study the various craft techniques they use and how we can apply it to our own writing. I have found that kids can see things that adults can't and look forward to the challenge of pushing my students to see things with different eyes. This is the kind of stuff us teachers live for. It's why we teach. At least me. Plus, it's a good distraction about being poked, prodded, ultrasounded and mammogrammed on Friday. I have been handed many lemons in my life and have managed to make batches of lemonade. I am so ready to make the batch of my life if these results come back a lemon. But instead of lemonade I'm thinking lemon margaritas.............................